Open Closets

My own way

A/N: hey lovelies, this is the 31th chapter and it's written by the awsome bake_a_wish, I love talking to you an I'm so glad you wanted to help me, a big Thanks to you, girl <3

A few weeks ago, I found this book. At some point, I thought "oh it would be cool to write a chapter" but all these people here have so great advices and touching stories, and I have a lot I could write down, but I don't know if it helps anyone.
But ok, I will just try.
At first, a few facts about me: I'm 17, I'm a girl, I'm from Germany and I think I'm lesbian. I have a crush on my best friend and she has a boyfriend.
The only person who knows about this had once been a friend of me and my best friend but now we don't get along anymore. I'm not afraid she will tell anyone. She took it really cool and asked a few questions, but then never mentioned it again.

I think I realized I was gay somewhere in 2015, it started with admiring this girl who was just a classmate back then. I had to think a lot, because I'm christian and I would never give it up. I tried to see her as "just a friend", but I couldn't pretend any longer that I didn't feel more for her. And I think this is ok. The bible says at one point that we shouldn't judge each other because God is the only one to judge us. And he is graceful. I have the strong feeling that it is okay with him. I don't know the english name for this, but in 1. Johannes 4, 16 he says "We experienced this and we have trust in the love of God. God is love, and who stays in love stays in God and God in him" (my own free translation). And, how Ally Hills says: love is love.
I think God likes it more when you are happy and thankfull for a girl you can love that much, than when you stay with a guy you can't love like this and you both are unhappy. I think, as long as you are responsible for your love in front of God, no christian will judge you for it. Because, if God says it is okay, how can they disagree?
So I live in peace now because I found my answer for the question "How can I be christian AND gay". I don't say it has to be true for everyone, but I think it's true.

I've never come out to my best friend which I love. I know that I'm tempted to use sooooo many words to say an important thing, but words are not as true as actions. I can't tell her because that would change our friendship. I don't know if she would be able to accept it. But I can show her how much I like her by acting like a real loving friend. She is okay with this and it is more true than saying the three magical words without prooving them. It's okay for me to just be her best friend, I know that I love her but it's better for her to be my best friend and I think, she secretly knows that I like her more than a best friend should. But like this, I know she is straight and loves me as a best friend and she could have the secret feeling that I feel more, but we don't have to talk about it and lable what we are. Are we just straight best friends? Is it a friendship in which one loves and the other can't love back? Are we a gay girl and a (slowly more gay getting) straight girl? Am I a lesbian who is hopeless in love with her straight best friend? We don't have to label it, we just don't talk about it and live our lifes together.
I believe in God, and if he wants her to be my girlfriend one day, it will be like this, and if he wants us to be just best friend for our whole life, that's okay for me too, as long as the friendship is as close as now or even closer.

A/N: Thanks again to bake_a_wish for helping me. I'm so proud of you for accepting yourself even though you are religious, and I agree, the most important message of the bible is to love each other so this is what we are doing.

If anyone of you, needs someone to talk, please don't hessitate to pm any of the authors or me.We are always here for you. <3

Ilysm and I'll see ya soon with another update lovelies, byeee <3