Open Closets

Technicolor

A/N: Hi lovelies, here is the 5th chapter. it's written by the lovely annielovehappens. she is so nice and I'm really happy that she helped me, a big thanks to you, girl.♡

When I was four years old the girls in my kinder garden decided that we would no longer play with the boys. We would have a girl-club and a boy-club and the clubs would not play together and if you tried, you would be kicked out. I was sick during the time that they decided this, but I was made leader of the girls-club without knowing. I remember being so mad about it. Why shouldn't we play together all of us? I liked playing with the boys just as much as I liked playing with girls. I ended up discussing this with everyone and I didn't relax until I had made sure that both clubs were shut down.

When I was seven I played truth or dare for the first time. Most of the girls were scared to kiss the guys, so they kissed girls instead. I remember feeling scared about kissing anyone at all, but I acted like I was totally fine with kissing girls because the other girls seemed fine with it. So I should be to right? I shouldn't feel nervous? It was normal. I was normal.

When I turned twelve I started to go through puberty. All the other girls were comparing boobs in the locker rooms, and mine were over the average big, so I was always pulled into the conversation. But I couldn't look at them the way they looked each other in the locker rooms. They just messed around while standing in their underwear, whilst I tried my best not to stop and stare. I found myself overly fascinated with the female body. I found myself as fascinated with their bodies as I was with my guy friends. But by this time I had learned that just liking guys was the norm. And if you didn't like guys, you could be a lesbian and like girls. But I knew I liked guys. I had previously had more than one boyfriend and I really liked them. So why was I having these weird thoughts? I wasn't supposed to think like that. But still, I did.

When I was thirteen I started talking about girls with my guy friends. They didn't know why I was so open towards talking about questions they were having about girls. They didn't get how I could sit in their room and discuss who was hot in our class. I guess in a way I didn't either at the time. I kind of just figured that I was a really open person. I was raised with an awareness of the fact that I would be sexually active at some point. I was raised with an awareness of what happened during your puberty. And I was raised with an awareness of the different sexualities a person could have. So I figured that was why I talked about it. This was why I enjoyed spending my Saturday afternoons at my best friend's house with a bunch of other boys just talking about girls. But I also think a part of me knew that I loved being able to talk about girls with guys just like I loved talking about boys with girls. But still I was not able to put two and two together.

When I was fourteen I questioned my sexuality for the first time. Of course at this point I had already had conflicting thoughts for years, but I had always pushed them away. Every time I stopped to think about a girl for more then what could be considered "normal", I would push the thought away instantly. But that changed when I was fourteen. For the first time I let myself think about the possibility of me being gay. And I considered it, but I had grown up in a black and white world. A world where you're either gay or straight. A world where you're either a girl or a boy. A world where you're favorite color is either blue or pink. So I never even for a second thought about the possibility of me being something in between. I never considered that I might be neither gay nor straight. Because I was so stuck in my "black and white"-mind that I didn't even stop to look for the technicolors surrounding me. And as soon as I had started to see the rainbow, it faded behind the dark clouds in my mind.

When I was fifteen I fell in love. I had fallen in love once before, that time it was with a guy. He was my first love. And you know what they say; you never forget your first love. But even though your first love is special it often does not last forever. We were great for a while, but then things ended. And after a while I was ready to move on, but I had a hard time filling the void he left. Then I met her. She was beautiful, but not in a traditional sense. She was smart, but she didn't really enjoy school. She was funny, but she didn't think so. She was kind, but most people never realized how pure of heart she was. We started out as friends. Then we eventually grew closer and then closer again. And then I fell in love. With a girl. I didn't even realize I had fallen before I was at the bottom of the rabbit hole looking up. And suddenly I was looking through the looking glass and every little detail, every forgotten thought or pushed away-memory, suddenly made sense. Suddenly I saw myself clearer then I had ever wanted to. Suddenly the glass wall had been torn down. And I was terrified, but she was there. She helped me understand it. She helped me accept it. And I will always truly love her for that. We started dating a couple weeks later and I couldn't remember a single time that I had felt more true to myself then in those moments with her. But I was soon to find out that we couldn't be together.

The day after she moved away, I came out to my parents. I've never cried so much in my entire life. I've also never been so scared in my entire life. Because it is a very different thing to be accepting towards someone you just know, and to truly accept someone who is so close to you. But they did and it felt incredible. It felt like the biggest weight had been lifted of my shoulders. 'Cause for once in my life I was allowed to paint with all the colors of the rainbow. For once in my life I didn't have to see the world in black and white. For once in my life I felt completely happy.

I suppose this is where the story should end. With me coming out. But the thing is, there's a lot more after that. It's not about coming out. It's about the journey you travelled to get to that point. But it's even more about the journey you set out to take once you're free to live your life fully. I don't have all the answers. But I'm happy about that, because I have such an exiting and thrilling journey ahead of me. I have the opportunity to fall in love with the person and not their gender. I have the opportunity to love whomever I want to. I have the opportunity to be who I was meant to be.

I'm nineteen now. I'm in the middle of finding out who I want to be and where I see myself ultimately ending up. I'm in the middle of creating myself. But you can't start creating yourself before you accept yourself. So here's what I've learned;

Coming out isn't about telling your family about your sexuality. It's about being strong enough to stand up for who you truly are. It's about accepting yourself fully. Because once that milestone is passed you'll have to go out in the world and face situations where your sexuality might come up as a theme. But it shouldn't have to be a big deal at that point. It should be something you can be so accepting of that you're comfortable enough to bring it up in casual conversation. And that is what I think is the most important part of coming out. Accepting your true self fully.

I'm a nineteen year old girl.
I study music and I dance ballet.
My idea of a perfect night is to watch youtube for hours while being on tumblr at the same time.
I was once in love with a guy.
I was once in love with a girl.
I have always been in love with love.
I'm a bisexual.
And that's okay.

A/N: thanks again to annielovehappens for helping me and sharing her story with us. This text made me smile so much and I hope it helped some of you.
Remeber if anyone of you out there ever needs something, we are here. We will listen to you and try to help you as good as we can.
see ya soon with another update lovelies,
byeee♡♥♡