Open Closets

The gay princess

A/N: Hey lovelies, this is the 39th Chapter and its written by my sweet friend messymessymess. I love her so much and I'm glad she finally wrote a chapter, she's been reading this book since the beginning so almost 1 year. Thank you so much for helping and always supporting me and this book, ilysm <3.

Hi everyone :-)

My name is Arielle and I adore this book loads & loads & loads. Josi you are amazing.
I hope you don't mind but this entry (pt. 1!!!) will be written really informally and in no order because it's 11:30 at night and I'm trying to stay awake because I don't want to go to school tomorrow.

basically, I am a girl, I'm gay and I'm really really fucking girly in the way I dress. I love pink, I love makeup, I love buying clothes and I love watching beauty videos on youtube.
But I didn't get the chance to realise this until the beginning of this year - my sixteenth year.

When I was growing up, I hated the colour pink and wearing dresses, if an item of clothing I saw had pink in it, I would disregard it and not pay it anymore attention. Then, when I was in year seven at school (12/13yrs) and begun thinking I may be gay, I began crying if my mum made me wear a dress all because I thought if you were gay, and you were a girl, you couldn't wear dresses or the colour pink, because I never saw them, even now, lesbians and bisexual women in tv and film are all shown and represented in the stereotypical way a lesbian is viewed and I thought that was what I had to be.

I hated shaving my underarms and legs (still do) and would cry when my mum would yell at me to shave, telling me I would 'look like a boy' and that she doesn't 'care for my whole "gender equality" view'. I was sad. I was sad because my mum was mean. She used the word tranny and told me I was weird when I mentioned how a boy could also be a girl. So from then on, I now no longer spoke to her, nor anyone else in my family about lgbtq+ things.

Up until the end of last year, I was so lost. I hated the way I dressed, the way I looked and the persona I had built for myself. I hated that I was lying about not liking makeup and I hated that I was lying about the clothes I wanted to wear. I kept rewatching Ingrid Nilsen's coming out video and crying and crying and crying, because, well, she was beautiful. She was a woman, wearing makeup, who also wore pink sometimes. She wore dresses. She more makeup!!!! makeup!!!! and she is gay!!!!! this is so cool!!!!

So, with the help of Ingrid and my best friend I wanted to become the person I am on the road to becoming. I didn't want to be hidden anymore so at the end of 2015, I chopped off my hair and cut it short, the length I've wanted and began buying clothes I actually wanted to wear. I bought makeup a few months ago and I now have, an overwhelmingly pink and girly wardrobe. and I love it!!!!! I love knowing that yes I am gay!!! But I look nothing like a stereotypical gay gal and that is okay!!! No matter what u look like, be who u are and give yourself your best chance!!!!

This is weird but I remember thinking, when I was in higher grades of primary school (australia) I remember thinking this exact thought -
"I wish I was a lesbian so I could hold girls hands and kiss their face."
And that thought had stuck with me ever since; that we grow up in a world that teaches you that you are born attracted to the opposite sex until proven, decided or announced otherwise.

This is a little bit embarrassing but around the end of last year I wrote a song about being gay in the modern age and I ended up writing about how I felt when I first started thinking I was gay and the whole reason I (still) don't like being labelled as a lesbian, but prefer the term gay.

When I was younger, the only times a lesbian was ever spoken about or mentioned on tv, it was so overly sexualised. I listened as men and boys would talk about how hot they thought lesbians were and I saw in television programs when males would get aroused or excited because there was 'girl on girl action' when it was genuinely just two females sharing a kiss.

I only knew lesbians through the eyes of men, therefore thinking that if you grew up to become a lesbian, you were automatically a porn star.

Men would get horny seeing you kiss your girlfriend and comments would be made. I hate to think back to what I must of thought hearing these comments made but it's stuck with me all these years and I still do not like being referred to as a lesbian, because the term (when used in reference to myself) makes me feel sexualised and scared. The word sits uneasy on my tongue but I know that's okay.

I am turning sixteen this year and I am out to my friends. I came out to my best friend two years ago when I was thirteen late one night, crying over the phone. I will never forget the words she said to me and the way she made me feel. it was the most frightening moment of my life, but I made it through it. she's amazing and I'm her biggest fan, much as she is mine.

I'm shy about my sexuality. I don't like talking about it and if someone else brings it up I'll joke around with them but I don't really bring it up on my own and if someone asks me about it I get really awkward and flustered. I'm not sure why. I'm a really sensitive person in general so maybe that's something to do with it.

I like girls. I wouldn't change that. I mean, look at them, girls are so so pretty, they're beautiful.

I came out to my other friends gradually these past two years and to my mum last year but it is a strange story and I don't think she believes me so we won't get into that, a few of my irls have found out through finding my blog but I can't help that, and those who have, have been lgbtq+ themselves so it's been really awesome meeting friends in this community. It makes me know I'm not so alone.

Basically, I just want to spread the message that it's okay to be literally whoever you are. It's cheesy but whether you're an asexual genderfluid teenager or a gay demigirl in her mid forties, it's okay. It's genuinely all okay and you can be whoever you want to be.

from Arielle <3
ps. sorry this was like a life story I wrote this all last night and I'll write a more formal one soon soon soon :-)

A/N: Thank you for helping again to messymessymess , I really love this chapter and when we thought about an tittle we debated between 'the color pink' or 'the gay princess' and I choose the gay princess bc you are an princess and stereotypes should never ever stop anyone from being who you truly are. You are who you are, you don't have to fit in the stereotypes and if you do it doesn't mean that you are for example gay. My irl best friend fits perfectly into the gay stereotypes and so many people asked me or him if he's gay, but he is straight. Stereotypes are dumb and shouldn't even exist but sadly they do, so please never let anyone tell you who you are or not are just because of stereotypes, not even yourself.

Ilysm lovelies and I will hopefully see you soon with another update,
Byeee ❤️❤️❤️

(I really need new chapters, if anyone wants to write one, it can be your second one too, then pls send me an message)