Author Games: Memoranda Of Terror

Semi Finals - Variations on a Theme - Gizmo Glitch

District Three - Gizmo Glitch

"You don't know what it's like.

Waking up every morning, fearing for your life. Praying you can live another day, and the next morning, instead of being thankful or relieved, you just pray the same thing will happen. Because you are never safe in this place. Every day here, you could die. Every day here, someone dies.

People want to kill you.

I wish I hadn't taken that screw, I really do regret it now; I miss you. I want to fall asleep and wake up so I can come back with you, but I'm scared that if I fall asleep the flies will leave and I'll never wake up. It got me a nickname, you know, the screw. There's one girl and she calls me Screws, though maybe it's because all my screws are loose. I'm not sure.

I'm scared. I want to be empty again. This is worse. Being numb is better than being scared. But you wanted me to feel. To love you. And I do. But I don't want to feel anything else.

There's a boy who reminds me a bit of me - or at least of how I was; he pretends not to feel anything. He pretends he doesn't care about home, or feel bad about killing people. He has a sister. She's my age. Elysia, she's called. That didn't stop him from attacking me.

I killed him.

You don't know what it's like, knowing that people are crying because of you. Knowing that people like the ones you care about are going to be crying. Knowing that they're going to be crying and it's all your fault and if you'd let your victims leave people wouldn't be crying.

Feeling just a little better because you know that if you hadn't done it, the people you cared about would be crying. It's strange when your hands are red. They're lighter now because the blood is gone. But they still look a little bit orange, a little bit like Volt's hair. You miss your friends, the people you care about. You make new friends. But they die too. Everyone dies.

I have friends; there was Teal, who would never stop talking, but she died. There was Blissia, who I think - though she wouldn't admit it - cares about me. I think that's why she didn't kill me when she left. Now there's Vixen, who never talks. He doesn't want to go home. I do. I want to go home.

It's interesting, how easily you can snap under pressure. How easily you can break. How something as simple as a fly landing on your arm can drive you into complete insanity, while seeing people die does nothing. Or maybe the deaths build the bomb, and the fly simply lights the fuse. I think I've snapped.

I don't know how my thoughts are this clear today. I don't know if they'll ever be this clear again. I don't know if we'll ever be able to have a conversation again. I don't know if I'll ever see you again.

I don't know anything.

I hope they're letting you watch this, that they're playing this on the television for the districts to see. I want to let you know that I'm okay. That I do care. That somewhere deep down, I'm still your little boy. I want you to be able to at least have that, because I don't know what state I'll be in tomorrow.

If you go to watch tomorrow, and I'm talking about the flies again... If I'm back to being Screws, please don't cry. I don't want you to cry. I'm still alive. I'll still be there, somewhere deep down. Even when I'm Screws, I'm still Gizmo. I promise. Please don't cry.

It's scary, knowing you're going crazy. Seeing flies everywhere, and being told by your friends that 'you're going batty'. It's even scarier, knowing that there's nothing you can do about it. Knowing that whatever happens, you're going to be insane. I wish it wouldn't happen. I wish it would hurry up and happen. I just don't want to be stuck like this.    

I might die.

I'm going to come back home, but it may be in a coffin. I may never touch your hand again, or be held in your arms. I may never turn thirteen, and I may never get married. Never have children of my own. Never complete an order on time. My glitch may never be fixed.

I love you, mum. Please remember that if I don't wake up. Please don't cry. I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of making you cry. I've done that enough already.

If you turn on the television tomorrow, you may find me a grave man."