Author Games: Memoranda Of Terror

Semi Finals - Variations on a Theme - Diamond Fabulo

Music is posted at the side of the page. We suggest reading with the music for the best experience.

District One - Diamond Fabulo

I never thought it would come down to this. Sitting in the middle of the cornucopia, crying and drenched in blood— my own blood— with no one to blame for it but myself. I never thought I was the type to take my own life. Yet here I was, wishing for it, wanting death to take me. And if that meant slitting my own wrist to make death come, so be it. My only wish is to be free of this place.

**

“There are only six of us left.” Elmo said quietly. I knew he was sad, thinking about Teal. The two of them were close friends. Like Piper and Solum and I had been. They were my only real friends, the only friends I hadn’t purchased.

“I need a moment.” I muttered. I wasn’t sure if Elmo heard me, frankly I didn’t care. I just had to be alone. I was never alone in District One. It’s funny how lonely a person could be, even if they are surrounded by people. Empty, shallow people, but people nonetheless. I had been just like them. Shallow and selfish and empty just like they were.

Now what I wanted was a different kind of emptiness.

Vinella’s words hung in the air, suffocating me. 

“Freedom is but an illusion.” 

She said more after that, something about a flower and wire, but that’s was really the only part I needed to hear to send my heart hammering and my lungs gasping for air. Five simple words caused me a panic attack. Five simple names in the sky, and I would be out of this prison and into a different one. 

But did I deserve to go home? Did I really, truely, deserve to see my family again when so many people-- So many better people-- lost that chance forever? 

No. All I had waiting for me in District One was a clothing label with my name on it. A legacy to uphold. A new kind of arena altogether. There were good people that died here, who had good reasons to go home. Good people that should be alive instead of me. 

Why am I alive?

I hadn't even noticed that I was running toward the cornucopia until I dropped to my knees on the hard earth inside it, sobbing violently. A cannon boomed. Another tribute who deserved life more than I met their end. 

No more. Slowly, a thought crept into my mind, sweet and inviting and dark. There was only one means of escape for me. But was I strong enough to do it? 

"Forgotten.... Invisible..." The phantom Diamond from the fog whispered in the far corner of my mind. Yes, that's what I wanted. It was ironic, my greatest fear became my greatest wish.

I would do it.

I took a deep breath and dug a hand into my pocket, taking out my file and my token. I hadn't looked at the lipstick tube since I entered the arena, but it had always been there. Heavy in my pocket. 

I set the lipstick tube carefully on the dirt in front of me. I looked over to the far wall, where I knew a camera was imbedded in the stone. “I’m sorry I’ve let you down,” I said, a sad smile on my lips. I don’t need to specify who I’m talking to. The only people watching for me were my parents. “But your little girl’s going to stop the hurting now. Goodbye Mommy, Daddy.” 

My throat tightened and tears began to fall. I hoped the Gamemakers had enough decency to stop filming me at that point. I held my nail-file reverently, it was the key to my escape. Experimentally, I ran the blade of the file down the length of my arm, from the crook of my elbow to my wrist. At first nothing happened, but two heartbeats later a thin ribbon of red appeared. Blood dripped down my arm, pooling in my palm.

“Is this just an illusion, Vinella?” I asked softly. The tears had yet to stop falling. 

I pressed the file against my wrist, ready to make the final cut. I took a deep breath, beginning a sort of countdown to keep myself from chickening out. 

“Shay. Akia. Fern. Hyde. Thicketrose.” I never spoke to any of them. Not a single word. I thought I was about them. Who was I kidding?

“Xavier. Marine. Devin. Maia. Tyler.” More tears fell. I killed Marine myself. He had been my ally in the beginning and I killed him.

“Merry. Tristen. Bo. Elias.” Again, I never talked to them, but I can almost guarantee they deserved to go home more than me. 

“Piper.... Nymphadora... Solum...” I began to sob harder then. All of them were allies. Piper and Solum, their names permanently on my hand, when they take me back to District One I will be buried with their names. 

And finally... “Me.” I closed my eyes tight, about to make the last, life-ending cut, when my file was suddenly slapped out of my hand. I looked up, dumbstruck, cheeks probably blotchy and eyes probably red from all the crying I’ve done. 

Elmo had tears of his own and he glared down at me. “You’re a coward.” 

“Elmo... How did you...” Still glaring, he held out his arm to me and I could see a thin scratch running down it. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.” Elmo snapped. “Apparently the bond hasn’t worn off completely yet. My arm started to hurt and I looked down and saw this. I thought you were being attacked so I went to find you. And this is what I find.” He gestured angrily at me. “Hasn’t there been enough death, Diamond? I don’t want to lose another ally. Not this soon. It’s just--” He let out a long, exasperated sigh and sat down next to me. 

I looked down, ashamed, and that’s when I saw my arm. It was almost entirely soaked in blood. I couldn’t think of anything to say. What had I done to myself? “Elmo... I’m sorr--”

“You’re just selfish!” He shouted, stunning me into silence. “You’re a selfish coward, just trying to take the easy way out.” 

I began to cry a fresh wave of tears. “That’s not what I... I didn’t mean it like... I-I’m sorry...” 

He shook his head, sighing angrily again. “Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to your family. And yourself. And your former allies for that matter. You should want to win in their memory, not give up because of it!” He shrugged off his jacket and pushed it into my hands. “Here. Just, just wrap up your arm and stop the bleeding.” 

Elmo leaned over and picked up my stained nail-file, shoving it into his pocket. Then he stood up and stormed back to the entrance of the cornucopia. Before leaving he turned back to me, his expression softer this time. “I’ll give you this back once you've had time to clear your head.” 

And then I was alone again. 

I never thought it would come down to this. Sitting in the middle of the cornucopia, crying and drenched in my own blood with no one to blame for it but myself. I never thought I was the type to take my own life. Yet here I was, wishing for it, wanting death to take me. And if that meant slitting my own wrist to make death come, so be it. My only wish is to be free of this place. I’m so, so stupid. 

“Forgive me...” I whisper to the names on my hand. “I’ll try. I promise I’ll try now.”