What if?- A Mockingjay Story

Chapter 2

What if?

What if Peeta really is coming tomorrow? What if he feels something for me?What if I feel something for him? What if his treatment is working? What if it isn't? What if this could be my life, empty darkness where I don't have to struggle my way through life? What if that is possible?

But I know it isn't because I then begin to follow light back to reality knowing the nightmare that is life that awaits me.
What if? What if? What if...
---

I wake up with my head now placed on a pillow, my body coated with a blanket and the rest of my body cushioned by my bed. I sit up slowly and rub my eyes to find Haymitch sitting at the end of my bed. I know it is the next day because a glow of morning light is shining on half the room from the window. I say to him in almost a moaning voice after waking up

"Thought you weren't coming"

He says back

"Peeta wasn't available"

I nod and then find myself forcing out

"I'm sorry"

Haymitch looks in my eyes with a look that demands me to explain the apology. So I do as I have to force out the words

"It just hurts so much and I don't want to carry on. And I don't see why people can't see that. Especially you considering you know all that has happened to me"

Haymitch looks down and nods and then begins the long excuse I knew he would recite

"I do understand Katniss, I really do but this is not what she would have wanted. And you know that"

He says. I look down. This is not about what she would have wanted, that doesn't matter anymore considering she will never again have a word or even a breath in this world. Haymitch continues

"People sacrificed themselves for you to live. Are you about to forgive them by throwing away what they died for? Think of everyone who cared for you who suffered for you. Cinna, everyone in the rebellion.....Peeta"

I shake my head and say

"Peeta didn't care about me, he was fighting for Panem."

Haymitch laughs a little and says

"C'mon sweetheart your not blind, you saw him in the capitol. He saved you from killing yourself"

"Wish he didn't"

I mutter back before Haymitch says in a slightly tempered tone

"Well he did Katniss, he showed you that he cares"

"That was just a good day for him without flashbacks"

I say before Haymitch immediately replies

"And there are many more good days to come Katniss"

I look away. I don't believe him. As much as I long for it to be true I can't believe him. I know the truth. The cold hard truth.

"This isn't a full time thing Katniss. You know he was in the capitol for treatment a few weeks back, he's on medication. He doesn't have to do that but he wants to be with you"

I shake my head and say to him coldly

"I don't want to be with him"

I feel the words almost burn my tongue as it is a lie. But I try to make it believable but Haymitch begins on several points that defeat my case as he names them out

"Katniss I'm not dumb. You wouldn't be the mockingjay until you were promised he would be rescued at the earliest opportunity, the second you woke up after Peeta tried to kill you the first thing you tried to say as his name, you and Peeta spent every night together on the train and when his heart stopped you almost went crazy. You're in love with him Katniss, I can see it as can everyone else"

"I DON'T LOVE HIM OKAY!"

I say angrily. Haymitch tends to say calm and continues

"He cares Katniss, he really does. So much that when he came home the first thing he asked where you were and you know what? I lied to him because I knew I couldn't shatter him like that. And yesterday I told him you had a cold and that's why I needed him to come watch you. And here's another thing....."

I stop him with a whisper of hurt

"Stop......"

But he doesn't listen instead he continues

"He didn't come because when I called this morning to tell him to come here he told me he had a flashback yesterday. Now the boy looked fine just a bit fearful and do wanna know what he said? He said he didn't want to come incase he hurt you gave me cheese buns for you which are downstairs."

"More to the reason I don't deserve him"

I say looking at him now straight in the eye. Haymitch gives a slight snigger and a shake of his head while saying

"You really don't get it do you"

I just stare at him hard as he does the same with his eyes almost repeating what he just said to me. Finally Haymitch gets up and says

"Get changed and be down in five minutes"

And with that said he walks out of the room leaving me surrounded by pure and utter silence. I then get up and grab a black top and jeans and walk into the bathroom.

I peel off yesterdays clothes that I ended up sleeping in. I then find myself staring in disgust at my nude body in the mirror,covered in scars, bruises, dry blood and wounds that will never heal. Ugly. That's the simplest word to describe myself. Ugly, Destroyed, Horrible, A Mutt. Everything Peeta called me was true. Beneath my mockingjay suit lay the real me, the horrible killer and simply a Mutt. No better words to describe me. The scars are not the only thing ugly that make me, I have become to look like a true monster. My hair no longer shines from the expensive capitol shampoos but clumps into knots at the ends. My face is not hidden under the layers of makeup that made me look descent but now my cracked skin and pale face is revealed. My bones are showing clearly under the layers of skin on my body and my weight has dropped dramatically.

The real me is showing and it is horrible. But I don't care. Because I hopefully don't have much longer in this world. I'm getting closer to Prim everyday. I finally get changed and brush through the knots on my head before going downstairs. Haymitch sits me down at the kitchen table and forces me to eat sandwiches. Sae is usually a lot lighter on force feeding me, if I completely refuse she will leave me alone. But Haymitch is the complete opposite. After I have nibbled my food I go sit down on the couch until Haymitch arrives over with the plate and makes me eat every last crumb. Later after that he leaves with a satisfied look on his face. About an hour later I throw up everything I ate within the last week. I then return to the couch and pull a fleece over me and fall asleep. Just as I fall asleep I realise the window is open and just as I drift off I hear the sweet and harmonised sound of a mockingjay's song.