What if?- A Mockingjay Story

Chapter 25

What if?
What if Sophie was never born? What if she was never given to me? How many things would be different? What if not much would be? What if she had never entered my life? Would I really have made it back on my feet without her? Without the push of encouragement and the force to stand up to take care of her? What if this is one year down? One year down as a guardian. What if the puzzle pieces are slowly beginning to fit together?
What if? What if? What if....
--
Her eyes flutter open softly as I stroke her cheek with the tip of my knuckle. She stares at me with her beautiful green eyes that greeted me the night I met her. I whisper to her

"Happy Birthday Sophie"

She holds out her hands, begging to be picked up. I lift her into my arms and give her a tight squeeze. She clutches her teddy bear the whole time, not daring to let go. She has always been attached, as if she knew it came from her mother. It was a piece to hold onto. She makes goo goo noises whilst I change her and then once she's in her day clothes lift her down the stairs. I sit her in her highchair and feed her porridge before giving her the gift I got her. She tears open the wrapping easily despite her small fingers. She giggles as she pulls out a teddy dog. She squeals with joy as she plays with her new toy along with her teddy bear. I feel happy as well as satisfied at succeeding. We don't have a big celebration for Sophie. Just me and her all day. She has a nibble of some ice cream after lunch as a treat but nothing else really. She only has her two front teeth so she can't have cake or anything like that yet. After lunch when I am sitting with her on my lap on the floor while she plays I hear the doorbell ring. For a moment my heart stops beating and even Sophie falls silent, staring up at me nervously. It can't be him.... Can it. But I sigh a big breath of relief when approaching the door and seeing out the window the delivery truck, with Sophie's food, clothes and stuff like that. When I open the door I see him, the Capitol man I meet every week. I sign for the things and the delivery man offers to put them into the hall as I have Sophie on my hip. While he does that he says

"I feel very honoured to be working for you Ms Everdeen"

I gulp. If he mentions the rebellion I swear I'll lose it. I ask him quietly

"Why?"

He responds continuing to bring in more boxes

"Well you know there was a fight on at work at who would be assigned to work for you. We all saw the victors village address on the delivery notice board. And immediately there was war"

I laugh a little. I'm relieved he didn't bring up the rebellion, I'm surprised he understands. I say

"So you were the lucky one"

He repeats

"I was the lucky one"

There is a moment of silence other then the shuffling of his feet until I ask

"So what's your name?"

He replies with a grin

"Ted. Ted Walker"

As soon as he is done I thank him and he leaves. I put Sophie on her playmat while sorting out all the boxes only to realise one left, one I never got. It was a white gift box with Sophie's name written in cursive along the top. I walk inside to Sophie and sit down beside her whilst opening it. I know she won't really care, she's a baby but at least she will be aware. It's her gift after all. I open the box. First comes a framed picture of Sophie. I smile at the beautiful picture whilst Sophie doesn't really take any notice, instead just playing with her toys. Inside I also find an envelope addressed to Sophie. I open it and read it out to Sophie who turns from her toys and pays attention

Dear Sophie,
My love, my dear daughter. It is crazy to think it has been a year since you were born. The time is passing so quick already. I know you must be confused on why I'm not with you during the beginning of your life, I know you must be questioning yourself. But my love you were a surprise that was the best thing that happened to me but the timing was the worst. Mummy wasn't ready to handle a baby, to care for you properly. So she gave you to someone else to be cared for truly and to be loved by someone who could benefit from your love also. My dear daughter I love you more than the entire universe and I promise to see you soon. It may seem like we're miles apart, but for now just keep me in your heart. I promise that I will come for you soon.
Mum.

Sophie is quiet. She places her small fingertip on her mums sign out at the very bottom. She looks at me with her green eyes pleading for words to be said. But I don't know what to say. What could you possibly say to that? I sit her on my lap and hug her to my chest. I stroke the small hairs on her head and say

"Mummy's coming soon"

She looks up at me and says pointing at me

"Mummy?"

Her first word. Mummy. She thinks I'm mummy. I feel tears form in my eyes as I shake my head and continue to hug her with her head on my shoulder. I whisper

"No sweetie. I'm not mummy"

--
That night I cry myself to sleep in the dark. She wants her mother. And I can't give her that. She wants her family. Which I am not. She wants to go home. But I don't know where that is for her. All I know is along the way there will be many questions like this.
Many questions I can not answer.....