What if?- A Mockingjay Story

Chapter 35

What if?

What if this is it? What if we just can't have a relationship like this? A relationship where we both have different sides and different ways and different circumstances. What if this just can't work? Not until we both repair ourselves. What if it's not possible? Not possible to heal each other together? What if healing is something that must come on it's own? What if we just need some time apart, before we are both torn apart? What if we are just beginning to drift? Drifting from each other...

What if? What if? What if...........

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The week passes by dull with a horrible tension lingering between Peeta and I. We don't communicate at all any more, he just helps me in silence. He won't give up completely and leave me on my own as I ask, but instead he will just do it without speaking at all. It's all because of the fight we had on Tuesday night. I wanted to put Sophie to bed myself, even if it meant being at her bedside in my wheelchair. He then refused and I lost it. I told him I wasn't incapable. He called me temporarily disabled. After the words left his mouth I saw the immediate sign of regret on his face but before he could say anything I wheeled myself into my room and slammed the door. Gracie called the day after whilst Peeta went shopping and we talked for a while about the fight. She told me it's probably just because the two of us are spending so much time together and disagreeing so much that we are just going through a faze of no agreement whatsoever. She told me it would pass, she knew from experience with her boyfriend. Even after these words I was still furious with Peeta. It was a boiling rage I had to viciously conceal every time he helped me do something that was once so simple yet now a painful struggle on my own. I started to push it, I started to try sit up straight and to use my arm more but I only paid the price. So I stopped, I knew that the anger was going to get me nowhere. I know I can't get rid of him but I know that unless something changes in the next two months I'm going to go insane. I have been doing daily exercises everyday now and have an appointment with Dr. Aurelius in a week. My shoulder is apparently going to heal faster than my spine and if it's better next week I will be able to manage my wheelchair on my own. For now though Peeta has to push my everywhere, unless it's small distance from one room to another. I feel sorry for Sophie during this whole situation. She is stuck in the middle of fights and hospital visits and its just not fair on her. She spends a lot of time at Haymitch and Effie's now. It's like her escape, her freedom of the horrible tension she's caged into most hours. She doesn't complain, she's too kind for that, too considerate but that's obviously not a bad thing. She comes home from their house everyday with a new drawing. She takes a pencil with her everyday to draw with along with a sketch pad Peeta gave her. Since she has seen Peeta and I fighting she's become more attached to me and slightly scared of him. There's not a massive change but noticeable. I continue to take my pills, every morning every night. I'm managing, struggling but managing.

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I am sat in my wheelchair on the porch, a woolly shawl the only thing shielding me from the cold winter breeze. Christmas day arrived with no snow this year. Peeta cooked and invited Effie and Haymitch for dinner. It was all right. Luckily no mistletoe was pulled out of nowhere, both of them know the situation between Peeta and I at the moment. I know they wouldn't try to spark that flame even more, what's the point? Sophie is inside napping on the couch whilst Peeta cleans up. I have only been a few weeks in my wheelchair and I am already realising how limited people who are permanently in a wheelchair go through. I notice how much has changed. How I am dependent and unable to care for myself. I miss the woods, the freedom of the forest. I look out on the woods far from here, well past many many hills. I wish I was there right now, I wish I was a real mockingjay. I could spread my wings and fly away, fly from every little thing that bothers me. Fly to peace. Fly for a lifetime. I once said I didn't need wings but I thing I need them now more than ever. I'm watching the sunset, though its only 5 O'Clock. The orange colours fill the sky on the cold winters evening as the sky is clear and a cold breeze blows. I hear the door behind me slide open and Peeta steps out onto the porch. His hands are shoved in his coat pockets as he sits down on the decking in a wooden chair. He doesn't speak, he doesn't look at me, but instead he looks at the sunset in the distance. I shiver slightly as the breeze picks up and the sun is beginning to exit behind the mountains. Then I hear him speak from a few feet beside me, his voice just stating the fact plain and simple

"You shouldn't be sitting out here without a jacket"

He pauses before saying quietly but his voice still audible

"I'm sorry about what I said. I never meant it like that. I just don't want you to end up hurting yourself even more"

I nod softly and reply

"I know"

Because I do. I knew from the second the accident happened he would be protecting me. I know he's scared because he cares so much. And that touches me. But there is till so many questions I beg for answers for, questions that wreak my mind. And before I can even control it, even take a moment to filter my words I just say plain and simple

"I don't get it."

He looks at me, his eyebrow raised slightly in curiosity. I continue, my grip tightening on my shawl to keep my hands from shaking

"I don't get why you're still here? I don't get why your not angry with me? I don't get Why your still sticking around by choice but mostly I don't get why you still care"

He looks at me straight in the eye, long and hard stare as if saying in his head 'ask yourself that question'. But he knows I can't do that, he knows that this is something I need an answer to. He states

"You cared for me once, when there was anger and violence and no hope whatsoever. When there was times when you could have given up in seconds you didn't. Even in life or death situations. I do care, I always care. I guess you can just call this making the tables even"

And with that said he stands up and turns to go inside. Making the tables even, oh Peeta if only it was that simple. Turning all tables even. But there is no tables in love, there's no being even. Then it's like something goes off in my head, wakes me up and pulls me back to reality. I realise how I've been acting, how he cares. That's all he wants to do, care for me at this time. And I'm just being stubborn. So I say in an almost pleading voice

"Peeta wait"

He turns around and I look him straight in his blue iris's that glow so brightly at this moment with anticipation for my next words. But the problem is I have none. I want to press my lips to his, to stand up and wrap my legs around his waist, to hold his face in my hands. But I can't. But before I can even speak again he is crouched in front of me and kissing me hard on the lips. That rich warm sensation his kisses provide returns once again, the sensation I have longed for. His smooth lips against mine, his heavenly warmth spreading through my body, his lips moving in sync with mine. When our lips slowly move apart our foreheads lean lightly against each other as we stare into each others eyes. My hand holds his chin and his rests at the back of my neck. I say softly

"If I have to go another day without talking to you I'm going to go insane"

He smiles a little and says

"If I have to go another day being scare to death of you not taking care I will go insane"

I move my pointer finger slowly across his jaw line and look into his enchanting eyes as I mutter the words

"Just promise you'll stay with me? Through all of it"

He nods slightly and says

"Always"

We kiss again for a moment and when forced to pull away for breath he murmurs three words I never imagined I'd hear being said directly to me

" I love you"

And for a moment my breathing slows and my forehead pulls back slowly from his. Our eyes are in-line with each other, his are searching mine and silently begging for a reaction. I run my fingers of my hand through his hair as I whisper three words that I knew would change my life, confirm my feelings and show the light in this darkness we have been through. These three words are all he has ever wanted to hear, the three words I never could have possibly predicted saying. But here I am as I whisper more confidently and surely than I've ever been in my life

"I love you too"