What if?- A Mockingjay Story

Chapter 29

What if?

What if he's still mad? What if he still is a bit angry at me? What if he doesn't like Sophie? Or what if what I have dreaded all along comes true? What if the tables turn for the worse, not better? But what if the bad times are over? What if we are okay now, we are safe and together? What if this is it? What if this happiness will last forever? What if my time of peace has arrived?

What if? What if? What if..............

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Sophie sits on my lap, playing with her teddy. She says quietly to herself

"Teddy..."

She only knows Mummy and teddy speaking wise. I'm trying to teach her some other words but she still can't pronounce them correctly, she's only 1 and a few months after all. Her speech will come along in time. She is still so young, she only has one baby tooth for god sakes. All will come eventually. I talk to her, but she doesn't listen

"Are you ready to meet him Soph?"

She still isn't paying attention, which is probably better. I am honestly just trying to reassure myself. My nerves are getting at me, all day I have been watching the seconds go by with horrible anxiety. I continue to speak

"It will be okay, right?"

I'm bobbing her up and down on my knee. I am trying to even out my shaky breaths. My eyes are sitting on the clock watching the seconds tick by in centuries. Soon enough Sophie crawls off my lap and goes over to the couch. She clutches the edge and holds her self upright. She grabs her teddy I gave her for her birthday before falling back down seconds later, the carpet catching her safely. She plays with the two teddies for a while longer, me beside her still watching the clock like me life depends on it. And soon it hits 1 O'Clock and of course he isn't here straight away. My hands jitter on my lap, my whole body overwhelmed with anxiety and nerves. And that's when I hear it. The soft knock on the door. Sophie jumps a little before crawling over and sitting on my lap, hiding her face in my chest. I place a hand on her back as I shout calmly

"It's open"

Only seconds after that do I hear the front door open and close. Moments later he meters the room to find me on my knees with Sophie on my lap. He smiles and says

"Hey"

I smile back nervously and say gently

"Hi"

He sits down on the carpet, a few feet from me. His eyes are focused on Sophie who still refuses to look up from my shoulder. I say to him

"She's a bit shy..."

He nods understandingly. I whisper into Sophie's ear

"It's okay Soph. He's nice I promise"

She looks at me and then looks over at Peeta. She clutches her teddy from her mother tightly in one hand as she examines him. He says with a soft smile

"Hello Sophie"

She uses her freehand to give him a small wave. He grins, his warm smile sending a sensation down my spine that's indescribable. She continues to sit on my lap while playing with her teddy. Peeta asks simple questions about her for a while, like what age is she and things like that. But then he asks

"Is she yours?"

The question takes me back for a moment but at the same time I saw it coming. Of course I did, it's such an obvious question. With a clear answer. I say simply

"No"

He tilts his head in slight confusion. So I explain. For 3 hours I sit there explaining her story and mine. I talk about the time form the day she came to today. And then it's his turn, to share his story since the rebellion to today. After all we both haven't been completely honest with each other, me a lot more than him. It feels good to finally be speaking with not a lie in the conversation. It's like taking a large weight off my shoulders all of a sudden. It's amazingly relieving. The whole conversation isn't hard, trying to think of what to say next but instead its just saying what comes to mind. Every time he smiles I feel that sensation again, that sensation that makes me feel so alive and filled with.... with something that can't be described. I know I love him, it's not a doubt nor a question. But I don't dare say it. I can't. I can't gather the courage, I can't seem to find the words yet they are already there for me. What I mean really is I don't know how to let them reach my mouth and speak them. He stays for dinner. Sophie shows him her teddies. I can see her warming up to him already, which makes me feel better. I feed her a bottle not long after dinner before putting her to bed. I shut the door quietly before making my way downstairs and back to Peeta who sits on the couch in front of the fire. I sit in the armchair a few feet away and for a few minutes there is just complete silence. Then he speaks and asks me something I didn't expect

"Why didn't you tell me about Sophie?"

He doesn't sound mad, or upset. Just calm. Which confuses me a little. He looks at me, his blue eyes glowing as they reflect the small sparks coming from the fire. He continues

"I just wanted to ask because........ I just don't really understand why you kept it"

He's still speaking very calm. He is not angry obviously. Just confused. I don't make direct eye contact with him as I begin to speak

"I was afraid..... I know this is going to sound crazy or something but.... I was scared that you would try to protect me and Sophie and...... And every time you have protected me in the past you end up being hurt.. or I end up losing you.... and I just couldn't let that happen again"

I turn away from him as a tear falls down my cheek. The thought of losing him makes tears occur. Because the thought itself is unbearable. He has no words for a moment, taking his time to process everything. I look out the window as the tears dry into my cheeks and many more sit on my eyelid, waiting to be pushed over the edge. I look at the moon that is prominent in the night sky. Surrounding it is only the black night and the stars, the rest of the night clear. I then hear Peeta say softly

"Katniss"

I look at him. He is standing up at his seat, his arms held welcoming me into a hug. I get up and go to embrace him. I wrap my arms around his neck. He nuzzles his face into my hair whilst making small circles with his hand on my back comfortingly. I allow the tears to fall silently on his shoulder. My breathing soon evens as I focus on his scent form his jumper.

After a while he pulls back a little and puts his hands on my shoulders gently. He then leans in to kiss me. The kiss tastes salty as my tears meet at our lips, but he doesn't stop kissing me and I don't resist. Eventually we do back. He wipes the tears from my cheeks with his thumb slowly and says to me looking me deep in the eyes

"You'll never lose me Katniss, I promise"

And that's a promise I know he will keep.

Always keep.