What if?- A Mockingjay Story

Chapter 31

What if?

What if this is what death is? Never-ending darkness and silence that makes you want to scream your lungs out. What if I've just done a horrible thing? What if I have just left Sophie completely alone in this world, with nor me or her mother to care for her? What if I have just abandoned her like my mother abandoned me? And what about Peeta? What if I have left him too, never to see him again? Never to see his beautiful blue eyes or his warm shiny smile. Never to taste the sweet taste of his lips? What if I have left him for good, without telling him that I love him?

What if? What if? What if..............

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Darkness.

It's all I can see. I don't know how long it's been like this. I've tried to open my eyes, to feel or do something. But I can't, it's like my body is on full shut down. My eyelids are like bolted shut and my whole body is numb and unmovable. It feels like I'm falling all the time. What I'm seeing never changes it's just this sensation. That makes me feel like I'm drifting away from here

And towards the end of my life.

After what feels like forever I awake. My eyes take their time to fully bring the world back in sight. The first thing that comes back to me is my hearing. Instead of the horrible silence is the sound of a heart monitor. The four walls around me are a shade of light blue, the floor is covered by white tiles. There is a window on the other side of the room but the outside world is shielded from me with white blinds. Beside me is an IV and a tube pumps morphling to my arm and into my bloodstream. My eye catchs a tray on my beside in whih tubes full of pills and sharp needles are laid out. I know I'm in hospital, the whole atmosphere gives that away in seconds. I scrunch up my nose at the strong smell of disinfectent. As I examine the room more I see him, sitting in a small armchair in the corner of the room. He looks terrible. His hair is greasy and messy, sticking out in every direction. Below his eyelids hang big dark bags as clear as day, showing pure exaustion. His clothes are wringled, like he's slept in them for days. Could have for all I know. I sigh to myself, not daring to move in fear of the pain that could follow. For now I'm numb. I feel no pain because I haven't moved a muscle. But apparently my sigh is louder than intended and Peeta jerks in his chair in which he was sitting daydreaming. He looks over at me, soon realising I'm awake and rushing to my bedside to sit in a chair right beside me. I manage to say despite my parched throat

"Peeta?"

He sighs with relief and holds my limp hand in his. His eyes are welling with tears as he presses his lips to my knuckles before whispering

"Oh my god Katniss. You scared me to death. The doctors said you could have died if you hadn't been found sooner....I thought I'd lost you"

I feel tears run down my face but I smile through them. Touched by his words, warmed at my heart. I say to him in a whisper also

"Peeta.... You'll never lose me. I promise you that. As long as you never lose me I can tell you one thing. And that's I'm not going anywhere without you by my side"

He smiles and plants a kiss on my head. I would have gone for his lips but still do not dare to endure on a trip of pain if I move at all. I know this by now with my numerous injuries, from my ribs to my burns. For a while we just enjoy each other's presence in silence. His hands clinging for mine for dear life. I'd say I truly scared him. He thought I was dead. I know how it feels because when he was in the Capitol I was in his position now. And it's a horrible place to be. Trying to cling on when you are about to lose the one thing that matters to you. At times when you feel like giving up. When you feel like it's over, like the game is already lost. But it's not. It's the worst feeling in the world, that's what someone told me once.
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When the doctor comes in Peeta sticks by my side, still holding my hand. I can't see myself letting go or him. We are both clinging to each other, both scared. The doctor asks Peeta to move aside so they can do a quick checkup. At first I am hesitant, giving him a pleading look but he reassured me. My eyes follow him to his seat where he returns while they check me up. It's very simple. She asks me questions, what's your name and where are you from. She looks in my eye with a flashlight and checks my pulse. She then gives Peeta permission to return to my side and within an instant our fingers are interlocking again. She then sits at the end of the bed and begins to speak whilst reading results off her clipboard

"Well Ms Everdeen that fall was fairly bad. You were very lucky in the way you fell, if you had hit your head any harder than you would have suffered eternal brain damage. But though you were lucky you were also unlucky. We have done an X-Ray on your body while You were out and you have done serious damage to your shoulder blade, your spine and your ankle. Your ankle is broken which means you would be on crutches if you had done no spinal injury. But you have and unfortunately you have badly bent your spine and shoulder blade out of place. In order to fix it and prevent permanent damage you must take two months recovery time and for most of it you must not walk but instead use a wheelchair, take physic therapy every week to strength your spine again and go in special pain killers. You will also need a nurse or person at your house each day to care for you for the first 6 weeks at least as you will not be fit for a wheelchair for a while"

I'm shocked. This is crazy. Two months?! I don't have time for that! I have Sophie. I say to her

"I'm sorry but I don't have time for 2 months recovery! Nor someone to care for me! I have a daughter.... I don't have 2 months to take a break and I don't have the money to pay for a nurse to come mind me"

The nurse sits up tall and says

"Ms Everdeen if you don't take this recovery time you will have lifelong damage in both your ankle and your spine. You'll never walk again. We can't let you leave the hospital until you find a carer for the next few weeks"

I look up at Peeta who has been quiet this whole time. He looks at me and says

"You need to recover Katniss, if you want to get better"

He looks at the nurse

"I'll be caring for her for the next few weeks"

I say to him strictly

"Peeta you have work. Besides I'm not going to let you put your life on hold for me..."

He interrupts calmly

"We protect each other remember?"

I can't argue. Because I do remember. I do.... And I know either way he's not backing down on this.