*HUGE DISCLAIMER* I WROTE THIS WHEN I WAS 12YRS OLD, SO EXCUSE GRAMMAR AND CRINGINESS
What if.....?
Katniss has finally returned to District 12 both haunted and shattered by the past knowing the peace gained does not supply her with security and ha...
What if? What if I really shouldn't offer to go with him? What if I freak out? What if the bad memories get the best of me there? What if I don't want to go? That's the thing, I know I don't. But what if I should despite that? For him? What if its only fair? After all, he would do it for me....
What if? What if? What if....
--- ".... I just think it's the best option"
He says placing his hand on mine across the table. I can't help but ask myself silently, Is it the best option? Going to the Capitol to get medication. This is the first time he's mentioned it to me, but I knew he was thinking about it. Since after the flashback last week he's been acting odd, spending from when I wake up until when I go to sleep in the bakery. I knew he was avoiding me, I watched through my window as he returned back to his house at around midnight every night. I knew that he had things on his mind, so I didn't bother him. But I am wondering now is he really thinking all this through. The Capitol is the place he is most likely to have a flashback but somehow that is not something he seems to be considering. All I know is that his eyes are questioning me, digging the question into my mind
Are you coming?
The thing is I don't know how to answer that. I don't know how would handle it, being there again. The thing is I don't really know if he expects me to come, I am more expecting myself to offer to go. But I really can't see myself doing that. Also I don't know what my response would be if he was expecting that.But the thought of being in the capitol nauseates me. I push the thought away and tell him softly
"If that's what you want to do"
He looks down for a moment, giving my hand a light squeeze before meeting my eyes, his head nodding softly. I manage to say the words after a while, even if I still feel uneasy about it
"Do you want me to come with you?"
He raises his eyebrows slightly and then says clearly
"I know you would suffer Katniss. We both know that. You didn't have to offer"
I shake my head in disagreement and reply
"Yes I did, we stay together remember"
He says quietly
"I think its best you stay here Katniss, with Sophie. I can do this alone I promise"
I nod before getting up and standing behind his chair, rubbing his shoulders softy and planting a kiss on his head. I then wrap my arms around his neck, his lips brushing off my knuckles. I don't protest with his decision, what's the point? I'm not relieved by it though, not happy. Because I know that some walks you must take alone, even the worst walks of your life.
-----
I exhale his scent as his arms are wrapped tightly around me, my face buried in his shoulder as his nuzzles into my hair. Sophie is with Haymitch, allowing me to give him a proper goodbye without her hanging off me. Despite the train station being busy the crowd breaks when approaching us, leaving a circle of empty space around us as we embrace. After a while I am forced to let him go, not taking my eyes off him until he is out of sight, whisked away on the train to the capitol. For a while I just stand in the one spot, not really knowing what to do next. Finally I return home. Alone. One week I tell myself. There is two things that worry me, one being him in the capitol, no matter what safety is in the world now I will forever feel uneasy about that place. Second being the nightmares that he has always been there to fend off. I know I will survive. I will prove that, to Gale and to Peeta. Mostly to Gale, for what he said in Tigriss' basement about me picking whoever I can't survive without. But somehow I think over the years, I have proven that already.
-----
The first few days are the worst, trying to get used to him not being here. Sometimes my mind would mess with me, allowing me to walk into the kitchen and expect him to be standing there with his goofy smile he posses.Or when I'd call to the bakery to expect to find him behind the counter. I spend a lot of the day here, sometimes without Sophie. I see what he has always found soothing and calming about baking. Sometimes when its not too busy Gracie would show me how to make a few basic pastries or Lynn and Mia would show me how to do simple piping. Sometimes I would help Rachel with organising her desk, which is usually covered with files, bills and all the bakery's paperwork. Sophie noticed Peeta was gone within a day, asking me where he had gone. I just said he had gone to get some supplies for work which she accepted. As a 2 year old she would accept anything I said, even if it was something absolutely ridiculous and unrealistic. The only thing that really effected me about him no longer here was the nightmares that came back to haunt me. Three times a night I would wake up panting, covered in sweat and a dry throat from screaming, pleading for the torture to stop until I was eventually awoken to reality. I wasn't until the 4th night that Sophie woke up to me yells. I was sitting at the end of the bed, the ends of my pyjama t-shirt held tightly in my fists as I tried to get a grasp of reality. When I looked over there she was, her face worried as one hand sat on the doorknob, the other clutching her bear as his hand brushed the carpet. She says in a squeaky yet worried voice
"Mummy?"
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I try to even my breathing and tell her
"I'm okay sweetie"
She looks at me unconvinced but when I open my arms she comes running into them, her head immediately hitting my chest and her small arms making their way around me small frame. I stroke her hair softly, calming myself as well as her. I know she must have been scared, waking up to a scream isn't very pleasant. After a while as she still remains in my arms I pull the covers over us and allow her to fall asleep in my arms. As I feel myself drift slowly I hear her mutter a few words before I am swallowed in darkness
"I will pwotect you tonight mummy"
And she does. From that night on there are no nightmares. Every night she comes into my bed, even before a nightmare occurs and climbs into bed. She curls up into my shoulder and quickly falls asleep. I know she doesn't realise how much this helps fend off my nightmares . Soon enough it is Saturday, the day Peeta is expected to come home. All day I spend cleaning awaiting him to walk through the door. But he doesn't. Despite watching the clock hour after hour he never walks through the door. So I go to bed eventually, confused and worried. When I wake up the next morning I am awoken the phone ringing. When I get downstairs and have the phone in my hand and as I press the answer button I long for his voice to be on the other side.
But its not.
-----
Hey guys! OOH CLIFFHANGER! HA-HA I LOVE THEM.... But not when I'm the one who is reading and doesn't know what happens next. Anyway long time no update huh? Don't kill me for that! Allow me to explain. On Tuesday I came home in desperate shoulder pain and couldn't use my arm and I was like that for most of today and had to stay home from school. I am not as bad now but am on medication and maybe physio therapy if I don't get better. I can type now without being in as much pain and will be back to school tomorrow! Also I have an injection tomorrow... UGH! But I get out of lots of classes which is good! Anyway so sorry for the delay hope you liked this update if you did vote and leave a comment and I'll hopefully see you guys soon with another update!
