What if?- A Mockingjay Story

Chapter 30

What if?
What if it's Peeta? What if it's Haymitch? What if it's Effie? What if it's Sophie's mother? What if it's Doctor Aurelius? What if I'm making a big deal over nothing? What if it's just a phone call?
What if? What if? What if....
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The phone blares loudly from the hallway downstairs. I moan into the palms of my hands which cover my face. Sophie sits on her playpen beside me and I am sat on the armchair. We are both in her room. It's the most beautiful room in the house, in which I spend most of my time minding Sophie. A couple of weeks ago Peeta offered to paint it when he saw how dull it was. She only began to sleep in here a month ago and it was a pretty empty room. All that was in here was a single bed and a dresser. I thought about moving her into Prim's room. But the moment I touched the doorknob, it was like a flash of images before my eyes. I screamed and cried all evening. I remember how Peeta came over and took me in his arms. How he put Sophie down for his lap before returning to my comfort. These last few weeks he has been here everyday. I can feel us growing back together, healing each other. Sophie's room is now painted a soft shade of pink with small flowers painted here and there. He really put effort into it. Christmas is 2 weeks away now, snow is beginning to cover the ground and the temperature is dropping. I can't help but wonder if the mistletoe will bring me and Peeta together for a kiss again this Christmas....
I am yanked back to reality when the phone rings even louder. I pull myself out of my chair and go over to Sophie in her playpen. I say to her softly

"I'll be back in a minute. Okay?"

She nods, sucking her thumb. She does this a lot lately. I have a feeling she's teething but I'm not fully sure. I think I need to buy a parenting book. I walk out of the room and make my way down the stairs. I reach the phone and grab it quickly to press the button to quieten the deafening ring. I say

"Hello?"

My voice quivers as I speak.
Nobody has called since my first day with Sophie when Haymitch called. It could be Gale. It could be Dr Aurelius who I can't really deal with. I've never picked up the phone to him. Because I can't face him. He wants the truth and if I give him the truth I'm guaranteed to be on a large amount of medication by tomorrow. I hear on the other line

"Hello Katniss"

I hardly make it out, the pumping of my heart filling my ears like a defeating drum. But then for a moment it's stops, and there is silence. No heart beat, no heavy breathing, nothing. Because it is at that moment I realise who it is.

My mother.

Her voice is different, not immediately recognisable. But its my mothers voice. I know it is. It's soft and quiet. A voice that brings many emotions to my mind. Happy, sadness, anger..... I know she is waiting on the other side of the line for me to speak but I don't dare. I'm hoping she will hang up yet I'm also wondering why I don't. Eventually she speaks, her voice nervous and shaky

"I'm so sorry I didn't call sooner I've been so busy...."

The next words leave my mouth regardless of my plan to not speak

"Too busy to speak to your daughter for the last year and a half"

I say bitterly, containing my anger by squeezing my freehand into a tight fist and allowing my nails to dig deep into my skin to try numb the mental pain inside me. She replies, her voice shrinking by every word spoken

"I wanted to its just...."

I but in again, now getting even more annoyed. My emotions are waving over me now, tears forming in my eyes and anger causing my body to tremble

"Just what Mum? You think it didn't effect me too? I went through so so much more than you could imagine.... I was on the edge of death and you took off.... I know that her death effected you... me too but that doesn't mean you can just give up! You abandoned me with Haymitch! SO much has changed in the past year and you haven't cared until now. You know nothing I had to go through alone! With nobody and not even my own mother has cared!"

I'm yelling now, tears rolling down my cheeks. She says, her breaths loud and trembling

"And I'm so sorry Katniss..."

I yell again, the tears forming a flowing river down my cheeks

"IS SORRY GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING?! MUM I HAVE BEEN SO BROKEN OVER THE PAST YEAR AND HAD NOBODY! YOU ABANDONED ME! YOU KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME IN THE PAST YEAR?! I have become a guardian of a child and I've fallen in love with someone! But you wouldn't know ANY of that! Because you quit being a parent when the going got hard AGAIN. So I'm DONE Mum.... I'm done"

My voice gets quieter and more emotional towards the end. As I hear her begin to say my name again I scream through my gritted teeth and slam the phone down. My whole body trembles violently, huge tears still falling down my cheeks and soaking the collar of my shirt. To prevent screaming I bite my teeth hard into the flesh of my lips, causing them to tear into my lips and rip the skin. Blood pours down my chin and joins my tears down my neck. I hear Sophie's soft cry upstairs. My whole world is blurry and spinning as tears block my vision. I make my way up the stairs and about halfway up I trip and fall down the stairs. My spine is flooded with intense pain when it makes contact with the tiles. The last thing I see is the dark red blood splattered across the tiles before I black out with Sophie's cry loud in the darkness for a matter of seconds. And then I'm swallowed into a painful silence