What if?- A Mockingjay Story

Chapter 78

Peeta's POV

What if Katniss comes to see me? What if Gracie lets her in? What if I hurt her, kill her even like I almost did? But what if it hurts even more for us to be apart? But what if I am looking from an unrealistic angle here? What if I need to open my eyes and look at this the way it is? There is a difference between the pain of distance between one another and the physical pain that I will bring to her if we continue to spend time together.

That's why there is no what if's that can make me continue to stay with her, for her safety and health I must stay away.

What if? What if? What if...

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"Peeta?"

Gracie once again attempting to get me out of the house. I don't even move a muscle but instead listen to the silence until eventually I hear the footsteps again going down the hall and away from me. In the last week I have made slight progress, I'm not ripping things to shreds or pulling my eyeballs out. My headaches have decreased which is good because that is the source of it all. That mutt sleeps in there, in my brain just awaiting the perfect moment to awake and explode, destroying everything and everyone in its path. The mutt that isn't me but is a part of me, within me but controlling me. Its a never ending war with my mind, a war in which I have never won and never will win. That part of me is a scar, seeking to ruin my life in ruining Katniss' and forfilling Snow's death wish. Breaking the mockingjay. I can remember once having a flashback, not a big one just one of those moments in which I must fight back. The ones where they slowly begin to flood my vision with raging images and things become hard to balance between reality and the nightmare Snow implanted in me. I remember slowly retrieving my sight again, all the things within that make me feel human over mutt return. I remember Katniss holding me tightly once it was over, we just stood frozen in the moment for a long time. I can remember trembling in her arms, the whole thing is always so overwhelming that being drawn back to reality is just as bad. I recall whispering in her ear

"Why do we have to be so broken?"

At the time I didn't even understand the question for myself, slipped from my lips without a single thought. But I understand it now. Asking her such a question wasn't fair, asking what was the reason for our scars, our pain and suffering when all is meant to be good. Of course I now know its not a fair question to ask, she is one so familiar with pain that it is a question she has most definitely asked herself. But she answered me, with a sad smile she took my face in her hands and told me

"We're not broken, just a bit bent. We'll heal, we'll heal each other"

At that moment her words filled me with hope and I was engulfed in her dream that things can become good again. But now I realised the mockingjay had spoke a sweet lie not only lying to me but to herself. My mockingjay we are indeed broken, shattered in fact and we cannot heal each other but only heal ourselves by staying far from one another. For I am a loaded gun and she is my target. And It is not I who has my hand on the trigger but President Snow.

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10:55PM

Under the door slides in a note. I don't rush to pick it up but move at a slow pace off the bed. Most likely the note is something like 'Leftover dinner in the fridge' or 'Will be gone at 10 in the morning to work'. Gracie has stopped trying to converse with me through words knowing well I am not leaving this room or talking to anyone. If I become out of control its not only Katniss who ends up at my gunpoint but anyone in my way. And Gracie is one of those people who is the kindest soul yet will easily risk her life to save another. I pick up the note before returning to the bed. I unfold it and before I can even read any of the many sentences upon it another picture falls out. I open it and see the familiar picture. The drawing Sophie did of our family. I feel a tear slip from my eye and splash upon the crayon drawing. I wipe my eyes before reading the letter. i know who its from, no question. I begin to read

Peeta,

I know you've looked at Sophie's picture before reading this. She told me to give this to you for a reason, because she knows that something is going on. She has awoken every morning asking when Daddy will be home. I have awoken everyday turning beside me hoping you'll be there but your not. I know you're thinking that you don't want to hurt me but you're not always that way and you know that well even if right now the truth of that may not seem clear. Your Flashbacks occur only sometimes, like nightmares for me. But we will get through it together, we always have. That's why we are still alive, still sane and gotten this far without snapping. You can't give up now, let Snow succeed in his plan to ruin you and your bright future that awaits you once this horrific event has passed. I need you, Sophie needs you. I love you ,more than anything and everything in the entrand every second of the last week has been painful thinking you're somewhere feeling so lost and scared and confused. We heal each other. We love each other. We have come so far together, we can't give up now. We are family. I love you and hopefully I'll see you soon.

Much Love, Katniss.

Letter clutched to my chest the tears fall, picture at my feet I spill out all the pain that I have withheld. I want to go back to her yet I know that is not the right thing to do. I'm battling with my mind once more but not with Snow in mind as the rage he put inside me but with painful tears as I debate on what to do. Eventually I sleep, the two pictures clutched at my chest as I dream of a place where me and my mockingjay can be happy once more.