What if?- A Mockingjay Story

Chapter 86

What if?

What if this is happiness? Right here, right now. What if the time is coming that I won't have to ask what if? But what if this is just another month, another season in which I convince myself that all is becoming good and then all of a sudden it isn't. What if I should stop trying to predict and live in the now, in the moment...

What if? What if? What if...

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The autumn brings in the cold evenings, the unpredictable weather and the piles of leaves that have left their place on their branches. It brings the woods a raining shower of colour as the leaves dance in the wind, eventually making their way to the ground to join the others who once danced. Some days we all go. Sophie kicks around the leaves, twirling and squealing as they flutter in the air as if alive. I pick flowers to bring home and place in the large vase in the living room. And Peeta brings his drawing pad, sketching and sometimes painting the scenery before him. The autumn brings a certain glow to the world, showering places in colourful leaves and creating beautiful scenery. With all these beautiful things we hardly notice the cold sweeping over us and continuing nature's preparation for winter.

They're growing up. All of them. Sophie is becoming taller, only last week did I cut her hair as it began to grow well past her shoulders. The triplets even though they are still only a few months old are very obviously becoming bigger. Everyone is growing, mentally and physically. I can see it, in everyone else and in myself. We're moving on so fast and we don't even realise it. I didn't realise that my scars aren't as obviously as before. I didn't realise I haven't thought about the past in.... A long time. I didn't realise that a year from today I will be here and everything will be the same but one thing. Sophie won't be here. Part of me tells me I should feel sad, that I should hold onto her more tight as our days come to an end. But a bigger part of me, the part that's realising how so much has changed is telling me that I can't hold on forever, I can't hold her back from life just because I don't want to see her leave. If anything I have to spend the time she's here to make memories with her. To make memories so that she will never forget the time she spent with us.

It's Thanksgiving when we receive Annie's letter. I am just getting prepared for dinner when I hear the clatter of the mailbox. Peeta enters the kitchen and hands me the envelope which is addressed to me. Just as I am about to open it there is a clash down the hall and Sophie's soft cries fill the air. I look at Peeta slightly alarmed but he gives me a reassuring look before walking quickly out of the room and down the hall. I tear open the letter and read Annie's neat handwriting

Dear Katniss,

Hello. By the time you get this letter it will most likely be after thanksgiving so Happy thanksgiving. I would have called to catch up with you but I've been so busy I haven't got the chance. I hope you are all doing well. Anyway I am writing to you to ask if you have any plans for the Christmas and I know its early to ask but I was hoping that maybe the three of you could come to District 4 for Christmas. It might be a great place to make new memories with Sophie for her last Christmas. Of course it's fine if you can't but if you would I'd love to spend Christmas with you all! Please call me when you get the chance and maybe we can catch up now that I'm not as busy now. Hope to here from you soon!

Annie

I smile and place the letter aside as Peeta enters the room, Sophie in his arms. She has her thumb in her mouth as silent tears fall down her cheeks. She stretches out her arms to me so I take her from Peeta. She hugs me tight as I rock her back and forth slowly. I feel a weight of guilt to see her cry. I feel bad. I look at Peeta and ask

"What happened?"

He replies

"Tripped on a toy"

I nod and look at Sophie's who's head is buried in the shoulder of my coat. I plant a kiss on your head and ask her

"You okay honey?"

She nods slowly. I continue to rock her until Peeta asks

"You ready to go? Effie said 5"

I nod and he says

"Let's go then"

He slips on his coat over his clothes. And opens the door for me. We are greeted by a cold breeze as I step outside first, Sophie in my arms as we make our way to Haymitch and Effie's.