What if?- A Mockingjay Story

Chapter 76

What if?
What if I am only going to be back for so long? What if my injuries are life threatening? What if I don't want to go back? What if Prim is wrong, nobody needs me? What if I'm better off to stay with her? But what if either way that's not my choice?
I feel myself being drawn back to reality and I know then it's not my choice it is simply what has been decided for me...
What if? What if? What if...
---
I open my eyes slow, first being blinded by the white lights above until eventually my focus settles and I can take in my surroundings. I hear that familiar beeping at my bedside, my heart rate steady as I look around the room. There is a window looking out to what I would guess is a hall, the blinds are shut so I can't tell. There is two chairs at my bedside, one with my bloody clothes in a bag upon it. I don't dare move, I simply glance down at my thin nightgown hidden under the majority of the sheets. My stomach feels painfully tight with each breath. My shoulder feels restricted and I'm guessing its bandaged. I feel tears begin to roll down my face as I recall the number of events. Prim, Peeta and myself. I felt so surrounded, claustrophobic but not anymore. Now I am alone, in a hospital room, on what could easily be my death bed. I look down at my arm, in which a needle is injected in my arm to pump fluids from a drip into my blood stream. I suppose it's morphine as my pain has definitely decreased. Certain parts of my arms are stitched from the deep cuts of the glass, my neck obviously isn't as bad as before as it is not in a support. But my heart is once again scarred, and unfortunately my healer, my support is what got me here in the first place rather than what could be my escape out of it.

After a while the door opens, causing me to painfully jerk in the hospital bed. I wince as I sit up, my arms a poor and painful support keeping me upright. Once I see who enters the door my body relaxes and I ease back into the bed. Haymitch. For some reason I had my hopes up that Peeta would walk through the door but another part of me also feared that he would walk through the door. I need to accept the reality of this situation, my wings are broken and my dandelion is gone forever. Winter has returned to me and its deadly cold. Following behind Haymitch is a doctor, young yet professional. Haymitch takes a seat beside me, patting my hand says quietly

"Hi sweetheart"

Hi voice sounds dead and pitiful. I want to tell to go home to his family but I can't, I'm muted. He doesn't need to comfort me, I am used to feeling alone. Sometimes there can be so many people surrounding me and I still feel as if I stand in emptiness as the loneliest person on earth. I am empty, I am an empty girl in an empty world. The doctor stands and with a small smile says

"Hello Ms Everdeen. I'm Dr.Edwards"

I give a very small nod, hardly obvious I'd suppose unless one looks carefully. The doctor takes a few notes, examining my heart rate and checking the clipboard at the end of the bed. He then stands at the bedside opposite Haymitch as he continues to read the notes off the clipboard that is now laid in his hands. He mumbles the words softly until pausing then raising his voice says looking at me

"You have a long medical history Ms Everdeen. Broken bones, cuts and bruises..... Ms Everdeen you always seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time"

I don't even react to his comment. I get his humour, I know well he's only trying to get me to crack a smile, a painful laugh or even just some recognition of appreciation for his attempt to cheer me up. But as an empty girl I can't provide happiness. I can't find that light of joy within me anymore. Its snatched away. He tucks the clipboard under his arm and clearing his voice begins to explain my diagnoses

"Ms Everdeen over the last 2 days in which you have been in a coma we have done our best to help your injuries to a speedy recovery. However you will still need of course much recovery time. We had your blood topped up but will need you to return in 2 weeks once we have a donation suitable for your blood type as you lost a lot of blood. Your stomach wound for starters was quite deep, stitched in fact to stop the increase of blood loss. This skin for the next 2 or 3 months will be extremely delicate and quite easily torn. Your arms may scar but other than that with topped up bandages will have a quick and easy recovery. Your shoulder also is torn so that will need about 3-4 weeks in a bandage and sling for sleeping. Your throat just has temporary damage but with plenty of voice rest that should be better quickly"

I feel so overwhelmed as he stacks injury after injury onto the list. Eventually after establishing painkillers and going on about recovery he leaves to enquire about when I am being released. Haymitch sits back in his chair, staring at the ceiling. I shouldn't ask, I know the answer all too well but of course I do anyway

"Where is he?"

My voice is hardly audible, but Haymitch hears it. I know he does, he just chooses to ignore it. I say louder, more painful as tears spring in my eyes

"Where is he Haymitch?!"

He looks at my now, pained and in defeat. He says quietly

"At Gracie's. He's terrified Katniss, he can't even justify what he did. He has been fighting with his mind for the last few days"

I am quiet for a minute. I look away from his eyes and to the opposite wall as a single tear escapes my eye and trickles down my cheek. I don't even dare to wipe it away, whats the point. I turn to him again and open my mouth to speak but I am stopped. Haymitch holds up a small white board and marker and handing it to me says

"Don't talk, the doctor yesterday said you should use this once you awake"

I take it, for a moment fiddling with the marker before beginning to write

Does he know....

Before I can continue the door opens and Dr.Edwards peeks his head in the door saying

"The head doctor said you can leave tomorrow"

I nod before he leaves. The rest of the evening goes by slow. I can't go anywhere. Simply I take painkillers, pick at my food and listen to Haymitch talk about anything but the past few days. He goes home at about 8 as the nurse ushers out visitors from people all down the hall. Then I am alone again. As I go to sleep the only thing I hear is my heartbeat along with the rattling of hospital trolleys going down the hall. In my sleep surprisingly all I can think about is

Peeta.