What if?- A Mockingjay Story

Chapter 20

What if?

What if a year from today, the rebellion didn't end? What if the rebellion ever began? Where would I be now? What if there was still games, still being ruled by President Snow? What if Panem never changed? Would that in ways be for the better? To have Prim and all the lost ones alive once more. Would it be worth it? To sacrifice our freedom to bring back our loved ones. What if that was an option? But it's not..

What if? What if? What if?

---

The months flew past quickly. I am fully occupied with both Peeta and Sophie. I declined his offer to work at the bakery, told him I had too much on my mind. It took him a while to understand, but he accepted my decision. I guess that's one of the best things about him. The winter has melted away and the spring has opened us up into the brightness and warmth of the summer. I am now 18 years old, officially an adult. But in so many ways nothing has changed.

I wake up early, whilst its still dark outside. I sneak out of the room where Sophie sleeps in her cot by my bedside. My pyjamas are enough to keep me warm in the summer morning air.I sit out on the steps that lead to my front door and gaze at the orange sky forming behind the abandoned houses across from mine. Well all abandoned except for Haymitch's. The sunrise and sunsets are beautiful during the summer with no clouds to block the magnificent colours filling the sky. I feel like for some reason that this connects me to the old Peeta. The one who loved sunsets and the colour orange. The one who I feel now is slowly crawling back to me as I feel the old me becoming more and more distant, soon to be out of reach. I push the thoughts out of my mind and focus on the sun beginning to peak above the houses. I guess today kind of , pulls me back to reality. It reminds me that all will never be right. That this day is scarred into my self calender and into my brain. The day of course was many things. Life changing in ways good and bad. Life saving yet life endangering. So many saved yet so many lost. So many lost.... sacrificed for freedom. It was the cost for freedom. Something that effected all of us in one way or another. I wish Prim was here, to see how far we've gotten. The world being peaceful and death and starvation not being a constant worry. How great it would be to see her live with a true smile. But those parachutes swept her life out of her hands. I was her last sight that day.

And she was my first one, the one that woke me up. The one that made my life flash before my eyes and made me ask myself was it all worth it. A question I still can't answer.

I rub my eyes as the tears begin to form. Its 7am. I'm not crying now, not when the day hasn't even rolled upon me yet. I sigh. The sun is still taking its time to slowly make its way to its place in the sky. I reach my hand to my neck and allow my fingers to wrap around the string. I then gently pull the locket out from beneath my shirt. I rub my thumb on the gold material whilst the locket sits on my palm. I give it a gently push that immediately clicks the locket open.

I smile at the sight of Prim's face again.It feels so unfamiliar, faint to my memory. Beside her is her killer, Gale Hawthorne. How I feel about him is still a puzzle, with too many opposite pieces trying to be forced together. Then beside him stands my mother. My living mother who has abandoned me, that left me for dust in my time of deepest grief. Who left me one year from this very day, and since has not returned since. I sometimes I ask myself why I care? But I know exactly why. Because she's my mother, no matter what I have against her I still love her. She's family. They all are. Each one of them sitting before me in my memory, in this locket. This contains my only picture of Prim, helping to keep the memory of her alive, thanks to Peeta. The sun now is fully up in the sky and the bright summer morning rolls in. And I know that whatever I predict to happen, will turn out 100 times worse.

---

Sophie senses the sadness, I can tell. She is more quiet then usual, reflecting my silence. She cooperates more then usual too. I feel her sympathetic approach towards me, as if she understands what I'm going through. The thing is she doesn't and that's better off. It takes me an hour to prepare Sophie and to pack some things for today. She is going to be with Effie today, who generously offered to take her off my hands. By 10 O'Clock Effie calls. I allow her inside and we sit at the table. I offer her tea and she accepts. We both sit at the table, sipping our drinks in silence until I ask Effie

"How's Haymitch handling it?"

I know today won't be easy for him either. Not for many people. It's different for people like Effie though, people who didn't fight. She says

"He's been acting Quiet and odd. Not as bad as I expected him to be. I still hid all the alcohol though"

I nod. She would have to. It would be the first escape he would go for. And after that only violent drunk moment would follow. I go in to get Sophie and her stuff. I then lift her into her buggy and strap her in. I plant a kiss on her head. She smiles and tightens her grip on her teddy once I stand back up. I open the door and Effie pushes the buggy to the doorway then stops. She turns to me. She pats my cheek and says

"Good Luck Darling"

I smile sadly in thanks before she then walks out and I shut the door. In the house alone. For now at least.
A half an hour later I find my hand on the knob. I ask myself why I am doing this. But my hand acts before my mind and I twist the knob unlocking both Prim's room and my memories. It's left untouched, not being entered since the day it was left. I feel my hand clamp over the locket as I fall to my knees and the tears fall from my eyes. They soon turn into sobs. About 30 minutes later I hear him enter. I don't move from my position, my muscles ache. When he sees me he doesn't react. Instead he just comes over and sits beside me. He pushes my head to his shoulder and wraps an arm around me as I sob. This is the first embrace he has given me in weeks. He strokes my hair softly and whispers soothing words into my ear. Things like Its going to be okay or we will make it through today I promise. I think to myself as the tears continue. I know he's trying to help me with these words. But it doesn't. It's just Peeta trying to help me...
Peeta and his sweet little lies.