What if?- A Mockingjay Story

Chapter 67

What if?

What if I need to make this year the best year possible? What if I need to make Sophie's last full year with Peeta and I her most memorable year? What if I need to make sure that this is one of the best years of her life? But what if I'm just trying to make sure that once she's gone, that we're not forgotten?...

What if? What if? What if...
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"How far are you?"

I ask Effie whilst nibbling at a sandwich in hand. It's about 2 months since the New Year up in the cabin and none of us have had much time to catch up so now Effie and I are taking the opportunity to talk whilst Haymitch and Peeta discuss something in the kitchen of the bakery. Effie turned to me for advice with children because of me of course having Sophie since she was a baby but I really don't know that much. Sophie's arrival was something I was unprepared for, I was clueless on how to care for such a young baby. But I learned as I went along, as she grew up I learned more. I'm proud of how I've been parenting her, how I will be parenting her for the next year. What Effie is about to experience isn't something I have been through, I never experienced pregnancy nor do I want to ever experience pregnancy. Effie has gained weight since I last saw her, her baby bump pretty clear at this stage. She says in reply to my question

"5 months"

I nod. She takes a bite from her cupcake and glances over at Sophie who is with Gracie icing cupcakes, struggling to hold the icing bag correctly which makes me smile both at how cute Sophie looks and at her effort. I hear Effie sigh, sounding as if she is about to say something. But silence only follows moments later so I suppose not. But a few minutes later she asks me almost in a rush to get the words out of her mouth

"What's it like? Raising a child?"

I take a moment before answering, building up the reply in my head. I answer as honestly as I can, though I don't see how my answer can benefit her

"It's one of those things where you learn as you go along, well it was for me. Sophie isn't mine, I didn't see her coming.... I didn't see anything I have now coming toward me..."

Effie nods and says to me

"No one saw any of this coming. Everything has changed for everyone...."

I nod and reply

"Just thinking back on it, I know how lucky we are to be here. How lucky I am to be here. Snow would have most definitely murdered me by now..."

She nods, as if understanding every word. But I know she doesn't, as she was once a capitol citizen I don't think she or anyone else like her could ever bring themselves fully against the capitols ways. The place they were raised, the parents who raised them believed in all the capitols ways even if they didn't. And I understand that, when you don't have a choice something or some way is forced upon you and eventually you stop resisting. Maybe most of the capitol people where like that, not agreeing with the ways of their president. And who could blame them for not being resistant, stepping out of line. They all knew the amount of blood that lay on the cold hands of President Snow, they knew by stepping out of line they wouldn't live a day further. Everyone knew how simple it was for Snow to end protest, that's why the games were created in the first place. Therefore I am not one to hold anything against the capitols citizens, especially not Effie who has been like a mother to me. She has helped me so much with caring for Sophie some days and being so kind. I am suddenly withdrawn from these thoughts when Effie says

"Well you changed that... Changed the future. That's why you've been rewarded with happiness and peace... Living the life of a victor"

I look at her and smile, recalling when she spoke to me outside the mansion. Telling me to promise her I'd find the life of a victor. I never really knew what it meant until I realised it was her way of saying to find happiness. And I guess I found it, all I needed was a dandelion. A promise of rebirth rather than destruction. And Peeta was the only one who could give that to me. That light at the end of a dark rebellion, that hope that things could be good again. The promise that things could be good again. A few minutes later as Effie talks about plans for the twins bedrooms Haymitch and Peeta come over with food, Sophie trailing behind them. They all sit at the table with us, Sophie climbing onto my lap with her teddy hugged tightly to her chest as we all begin to eat dinner. We all chat for another bit and then Haymitch and Effie head home. Sophie definitely gets more tired at about 8 o'clock, dragging her bear on the floor as her eyes are droopy and her arms flop at her sides. I pick her up in my arms and ask her