What if?- A Mockingjay Story

Chapter 80

What if?

What if this is a bad idea? What if I am turning in the wrong direction for help and comfort? What if this isn't fair on him? What if this is just a really really bad idea? But what if I'm just desperate, lost and unable to find anywhere else to turn? But what if he will be supportive? What if he will prove me wrong, that this wasn't a bad idea?

What if? What if? What if...

---

I push the door open with my free hand. The small cafe is quiet as it always is, the main sound being the refrigerator. I walk in and look around until I see him. He rises from his seat. I take a deep breath, a gut feeling tells me this isn't right but there's no going back now. I say

"Hi Gale"

I follow him over to an empty table. He immediately pulls out my chair for me, waiting for me to sit before pushing it back in again and sitting across from me. I re position my sling before he begins talking to me. He asks pitifully

"How are you feeling?"

I reply

"I've been better"

We talked on the phone yesterday in which I told him everything. He didn't respond much but listened, taking in every drop of information. It was more convenient to spill everything over the phone, where I wouldn't have to face him, wouldn't have to look into those deep brown eyes whilst telling him everything that happened. He never wanted Peeta and me together for this reason. But now today I am not seeing that side of him today. I am seeing a familiar side of him, a side I saw before entering the arena. The side that always supplied me with comfort, a reason to smile and to be grateful for what once was indeed a terrible life. He supplied my family when I couldn't and despite what took place after that I will be forever in debt to him. All of a sudden I feel as if someone is watching me and I turn back to face the entrance, then look around. Nobody is paying attention, nobody is looking. I turn back and continue to listen to Gale. The next hour goes by slowly. The conversation is filled with talking about anything but my injuries and my past few days. He speaks of his time in district 2 to me, what his job is like and so on. He seems happy, quite content in his new life. I'm happy for him of course. Eventually he says all of a sudden

"I'm actually moving back here for a while"

I am so taken back in surprise it takes the clatter of a teacup from another table to fully awaken me. I'm not angry, or annoyed or anything like that. Just surprised considering he spend the last while talking about how great life is in 2 and now he's saying he's moving back here. I say to him with a soft smile

"Wow... that's great"

He lets off a warm smile and says

"It will be great to be home for good. I enjoy being in District 2 a lot but it will never feel like home"

No it won't. That's the thing. When the rebellion was over people abandoned their homes for a new district, a new adventure. But in the end no matter where you settle down, the highest mountain in district 2 or the most beautiful beach in district 4 everyone will always have one home in which their heart is. Only one home that can be truly called home.

---

When I arrive back to Haymitch and Effie's I know the second I step in the door there is something bothering them. Effie's face gives it away the most, with Haymitch he can hide suspicion from his face. Effie on the other hand gives me a very nervous smile and hello when she sees me then runs off to the triplets before I can even open my mouth. The atmosphere at dinner also gives off the feeling that something is wrong, rather than chatty conversations that I usually avoid there is a deafening silence. Even Sophie is quiet as I feed her dinner.

The evening continues in this manner, words are hardly spoken and no eye contact is made from any of us. Sophie keeps to herself, playing in the corner on her play mat and avoiding what is a very odd situation. I help Effie with the triplets to distract myself, to push away the questions threatening to spill over my lip. But eventually Sophie is in bed, so are the triplets and there is absolutely nothing to avoid the truth. I escape the living room before they enter to sit down, I can't sit in the situation, the concealed secrets hovering above us.

I go upstairs and decide to take a shower. I strip down to my underwear and then peal my filthy bandages off. I know they must be replaced once I have showered. My shoulder is stiff in place once I peal off the bandage, the whole area bruised in a combination of purple and black. My arms aren't too bad, they do reveal some nasty scars but have healed up quickly enough so that I won't have to re-bandage them. Then it comes to my stomach. The slow unwinding of the bandage, each layer becoming a deeper shade of red as I go. Then there it is. The bandages drop to the ground as I stand and face the mirror to see the horror. The huge gash that covers nearly all my stomach. It's sealed of course with stitches but still looks horrible, bruised skin surrounding it and the tight stitches fighting to hold together the split in the skin. I run my fingers across it, despite the pain and wincing and the shudder it sends through my body. Then the cold hits my skin. I look down. The pearl on my charm bracelet touches the scar. The gift from him touches the wound in which he created. I pull the bracelet off along with the medallion from my neck and fling them at the windowsill. Then I cry. My whole body collapses to the floor and I silently cry into my knees. I cry for myself, cry for Peeta, cry for Sophie. I cry a sea of tears for everyone who needs yet to cry.

I go downstairs, hair tied in a wet bun, cold water trickling through my shirt and down my back with every second. In the evening summer heat this does not bother me. My new bandages make my shoulder feel stiff, my stomach tight but I know well they will loosen out overtime. I walk into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of water. I then go out to the stairs prepared to go to bed. As I begin to make my way up the stairs I hear behind me a hushed voice

"Sweetheart"

I turn around. Haymitch. And there it is. What was held in the air all day is now revealed on his face. Fear, Nervousness, Anxiety. He spills it out immediately, I don't even have to ask

"He called today, whilst you were gone. He said he saw you with Gale. He didn't look too bad, just hurt"

Then I remember it. Looking around, feeling as if someone was watching me have a simple conversation with a friend. It was Peeta. Peeta is the only one who could have looked at me and made me feel like that I now realise. Because only Peeta sees Gale as a threat. Haymitch holds out something. A letter. Handing it to me he says

"He left this for you"

With that said he walks off.

I wait until I'm in bed to read the letter, the paper trembling in my sweaty fingertips as I read

Katniss,

I know you were with Gale today. I'm surprised you moved on so quickly but the part of me that is struggling with moving on is happy you could. Finally you have seen my purpose for this, for the safety of you and Sophie. I am not saying I don't love you, with every piece of me I love you and that's why I'm doing this. To protect you and your future. I know you have told me before in flashbacks to not let Snow in and you may not see it now but this is completing that deed. For I was made this monster to destroy you and your happiness, freedom and peace. Letting Snow win would be letting you spend the rest of your life in constant danger, in near death experiences because of me. And I couldn't live with that. I am drifting from humanity to pure insanity and if I'm being pulled through this hell for the rest of my life I don't want for you to be dragged with me. I hope you understand. I love you always,

Peeta

I burst into tears by the end of it. Not even processing what it means I curl into the bed and sob. After hours and hours I begin to fall asleep, letter clutched to my heart and my mind asking repeatedly

What happened to always?