LOYAL HEARTS #3: WHILE ON THE OTHER SIDE

PART II

"Davina, are you still with me?"

I blinked. Binalik ako sa kasalukuyan ng mahinahong boses ni Dr. Callaghan, my therapist. There was a lace of condescension in her tone.  Inayos niya ang kanyang salamin habang maingat ang mga mata niya sa likod nito.

"Sorry, I've been stalling." Tipid at mahina akong natawa sa sarili at umayos ng upo.

Maunawain  siyang tumango. Her eyes narrowed thereafter, telling me she's back to business.

"You haven't told someone about what happened?" she asked warily.

Umiling ako. "Walang may ibang nakakaalam maliban kay papa at sa kaibigan ko. The one who rushed me to the hospital that day..."

Charlie found me that night, at agaran akong diniretso sa ospital. I was revived. I could have died had it not been for him. Iyon ang sinabi ni papa na nakausap si Charlie bago ako naggising at siya ang bumungad sa tabi ng aking higaan.

Hindi na kami nagkita ulit mula ng araw na iyon. Connections, perchance through money, napadali ang pagdala ni papa sa akin dito sa New York. I haven't been in contact to every one I left behind ever since. Not even spare a glance on their social media accounts.  Dahil na rin umayon akong ma-admit sa rehab dito.

"At napaginipan mo kagabi ang nangyari noon? The reason of your sudden visit," Dr. Callaghan deduced. Nakabaon sa dalawang hintuturo niya ang magkabilang dulo ng kanyang black ballpoint pen.

"Alam kong wala sa schedule pero hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit bigla ko na lang napaginipan iyon. It's been six years since that happened. I've been suppressing the memory while in rehab."

Aaminin ko, mahirap sa loob ng institution. I have to deal not just getting rid of wanting to do drugs again but also I had collected ammos for the battles of my anxiety, guilt and self infliction.

And to think that I have a hardwired compulsion to be different, every single day we always follow routines. Schedules. From waking up in the morning, we have to fold our sheets kaya magaling na akong tumupi ng kumot ngayon.

Hindi ko naman nagawang pakawalan ang pagguhit dahil may art therapies din kami sa loob. I socialized with other patients. Though, I still classify my people. We have frequent sharing sessions at kadalasang nakakasalamuha ko ay mga alcoholics and people who deal with various kinds of addictions.

May naging kaibigan akong babae roon, a socialite from the Bronx who was addicted to sex. She tells me everything dahil madaldal din siya. Reminds me of a friend. If she couldn't find someone to get off with, she watches porn. It's weird but, I don't why we clicked. I left her in rehab, though. Mas nauna kasi akong patawan ng parole.

Call it impossible, but when I saw Nolan walked in the institution habang nagwawalis ako sa field, I swear fate just bitch-slapped me in the cheek! I cried as I was running to him. Imagine the shock on his face!  Pati siya ay hindi makapaniwalang makita ako pagkatapos ng libing ni Tori. May pinsan siyang binisita na nagtatrabaho roon  bilang counselor.

Six months, I got released. Wala na akong balak balikan kung ano mang mga maling desisiyon ko noon. I got past them and I have no plan to return.

Until that dream last night. Sa anuman, naging bintana ang panaginip na pinapasilip ako sa nakaraan.

"Has this happened before, Davina? You haven't mentioned about dreams from our last session." Wariness made a way for her concern.

Inabot ko ang origami flower sa isang porcelain lotus vase at pinaglaruan.

"I had it when I was in rehab. But it didn't even sit close enough to put me through the mill. The rest are just flashbacks which I understand since it's in my deliberate intention to revive the memories."