How Does It Go?..

SmOl RaNt

Sorry I'm hating how I'm writing kinda sad chapters recently..

I'll try and put some positives or like happy chapters soon xx

You know..

While I'm sad or depressed or whatever it Is at the time for me..

I still have conscious thoughts and mostly make smart decisions I think..

Like I know that I feel like shit

So why make it worse for myself?

And a lot of the time now Im just sitting in my music room talking to my friends.. Who generally make me feel better and distract my thoughts but then I know that my problem still doesn't go away

I know that within myself I'm not feeling great.. So are a lot of people though and what we do is keep smiling

But yea idk.. I haven't fallen into a heap again yet

There's a couple of friends I'd just like to have over rn

But then I wouldn't because its almost like we are all faking this happiness

At the same time we aren't because we make each other happier..

But I know that half of my friends have been sad or are usually sad

So its like ah are u faking being happy right now?

I don't think I usually am when I'm with those people.. Because they seem to actually make me happy..

That's probably because I've grown to love them and I'm attached to them and since they haven't left me yet, I have this almost fixed idea that they won't ever leave

Even though I know thats probably not true, Which is life so I'll get over that eventually

But yea idk I guess I do mostly feel genuinely happy around my friends, like for a bit I've forgotten about those things that make me happy..

Idk what's been up with me the past week and a bit.. Actually minus maybe the last day or two.. But for a bit more than a week before that, I completely changed..

There was and is kinda something just wrong with me

I'd be excited to go to school but never want to leave.. Everyday at the end feel sad because I didn't want to go home.. At all, ever..

Then I'd get home and kinda not talk.. My parents would eventually get home and try to talk to me but I'd just have a small reply.. And continue doing whatever I was doing or just looking away..

The things I've been doing have been my ways of distractions from the world of pain I feel when I look at my parents..

I think that's what I concluded to..

I draw.. I don't respond.. I go on my phone.. Because I feel like if I talk to them, look at them, think about what it is they've done to hurt me.. I'll just get hurt more.. Or in my process of getting hurt, I'll hurt them more..

Everytime I was trying to be honest.. Telling them how they've made me feel and why I don't talk so much.. Every time, all of a sudden they have become shitty or sad..

Which is understandable yea.. But they can not for one fucking second get annoyed at me! Because it is not my fault that I feel this way about them! They asked me to be honest with them.. And talk to them.. But when I do, it hurts them greatly.. But they can't fucking blame me and be pissed at me!

I was just being honest like they asked.. Sorry that I hurt them but they hurt me too! Or I wouldnt have said that stuff..

So.. From that.. We take that I don't talk to them, so everything turns out for the better.. Until I can figure out a way to think about them without feeling regret and sadness..