How Does It Go?..

24 hours

(Heads up, this is from a couple days ago)

HELLO CHILDREN

within the last.. Not even 24 you could basically say 12 hours

My life turned from depressed mode..

Where I cut a few very small little cuts..

And then this morning.. Crying more.. But all of a sudden my mood isn't as bad

So what happened is that..

Idk if you guessed from some of the chapters.. People who are my close friends know

That kinda ish recently.. A couple of weeks ago.. I started liking this guy.. I now think I love him.. And he loves me

(Also.. I'm sorry to any of u who think that I moved on quickly from my ex girlfriend.. But to be fair, I had about 2 months preparation before we actually broke up.. I'd already cried most of my tears so yes, It hurt like hell when we broke up.. But I was able to move on faster because of how much I had already been hurt.. I was predicting it and could prepare..)

Okay so there are complications with this guy..

Extremely difficult complications..

We couldn't be together..

We still can't..

Which I only found out last night..

For the past 2-3 nights I had cried a lot as u know

Last night was pretty big.. I didn't stop crying for a while

At least my parents allowed me to stay up later with my phone.. (Have to give it up at 10 every night in case I didn't mention it earlier)

So yea.. Last night was not good at all

And I went into even more depressed mood..

Where I obviously did those few little small cuts.. (Which u can barely see rn btw)

The thing is though..

That I wanted to do more, of course I did

But every time I went to...

I thought about him and I stopped..

So instead I did a few.. Felt bad and just stopped at the thought of it hurting him or something..

Then after talking to my friends until about 11.. Hesitating to say goodbye to him and what we had..

It killed me..

I woke up.. Not wanting to get out of bed.. I just remember kind of a numb feeling but at the same time I knew there was something completely wrong and heartbreaking to think about.. So after I woke up to a relative amount, I remembered fully and thought in more depth about it.. So.. I started crying.. Still half asleep but I started briefly crying.. Sobbing, fell to my pillow..

After a couple minutes of that.. I got up, still sad, slightly crying

And I text this guy.. Cause we said we would talk still, even though I knew it would be different and kill me.. I still text him..

Then I believe..

I went through my pictures of him.. And just cried more

Briefly saw screenshots of our old conversations.. Cried more..

Just continued to think about him while I was getting ready for school.. In an already completely depressed mood..

And to my complete disbelief.. He text me back..

But also to my surprise.. Tears started flowing.. More than before.. And if it wasnt for my dad being in the shower, I wouldn't Have been able to sob out loud like I did..

I couldn't believe how much that made me so upset..

So yea.. I was crying a lot all of a sudden, but of course i wasn't trying to make a big deal about that.. Though I didn't really majorly cry for much longer cause then we had a conversation and yea I feel a lot better now..

I still just have such a clear memory of this morning.. All those shit feelings.. Idk if I was ever that depressed.. Maybe with ex gf but I don't remember anything quite like that.. I remember waking up crying a few times.. But not like that, crying consecutively.. It was different..

And what I find so amazing.. Was how it was because of the memory of him that made me not self harm..

Its actually so effective..

Anyway..

I now feel alot better

But thats my story of being in one of my most depressed states ever

To feeling.. Mostly.. Better in almost 12 hours

Thank you for reading

Love u guys

And I'll see u in the next one

<3

-Arasnnie