How Does It Go?..

Not Right..

Hey..

Today, I once again felt shit

I do basically every day

It feels like all the time, all I see is my gf flirting with this other girl

I have all of this stuff going through my mind constantly

I HATE HOW SAD I AM..

I hate it

I can't help it though.. Well maybe I can.. But all of that's complicated..

And honestly if she loved me, why would she do that stuff? Why?! She knows it has always hurt me

And this girl that it looks like she is flirting with.. I have always been jealous of

She has always been the main person

In the nightmares it always involved her

Every time, except once

And it feels so crap

And since I don't feel loved at all, Literally I am so done right now I'm not even gonna deny it, I don't feel loved in any way. That's probably cause I'm not loved by her

She fucking goes up to her every time she sees her

I'm standing at my locker and she stays put, but the other girl goes over to her locker and she slides on over to her

What the hell??!!

And I'm sorry, I have been hugging people more

I have been complimenting people and telling them what I think more and that's because I'm learning to be more myself and if she gets jealous, or cares, then she'll talk to me about it..

It feels like I'm not in a relationship.. Correction: it feels like I'm in a relationship where I love them, but they hate me and just pity me.. So they still treat their lives as if they aren't dating someone..

and she has to make a decision

If she doesn't want me, she can leave me!

I still know that I won't be able to deal for much longer.. But I need her to make a fucking decision

Some of the people who used to make me happy after school and stuff, have just stopped..

And school, life just kinda sucks

The thing is..

I'm probably gonna be with a lot more people before I find one that's gonna have my heart and keep it locked away inside there's...

I hate being so unhappy.. I love loving people I guess.. I just wanna love the right people.. The people who aren't ever gonna hurt me.. Those people are automatically decided and I can just be with them now and be happy for the rest of my life.. But I know life doesn't work like that.. It'll never work like that..

Still after saying that I wish life was always happy.. I regret it instantly.. I can't wish for happiness all the time cause ik we grow and learn from our sadness and heartbreak.. We can't survive without our unhappiness..

Why do I deserve to be unhappy though in this situation? All I ever did was try to make her happy and its still all I try to do

And this girl.. Seems to be the only one that can make her happy..

And that's why.. I don't say anything anymore..

Cause I just want her to be happy..

And after being unhappy for this long just with this situation..

Why is it fair that I have to deal with this extra stuff attached all on my own?..

-Arasnnie