Can't Help Falling In Love

Kabanata 22

Merry Christmas, everyone! xoxo

Kabanta 22

Don't

"No?" Ilang minutong tumitig sa akin si Kevin habang nakaluhod bago siya nagsalita, it broke my heart to see how his eyes welled up because he tried to smile. "Okay..."

"Kevin..."

"No, it's fine. I understand, it's still too early for this. It's wrong of me to ask." He smiled at me. "I thought about how you wanted assurance from me because you couldn't fully trust me because of my past. I kind of thought that if I ask you to marry me you'll see me through."

"Kev..." I'm not ready. I want to tell him that but my throat is bottled up. Hindi ako iyakin, pero simula nang nangyari ang gabing iyon ay nagiging emosyonal na akong tao. I cry every chance I get. I don't why.

"Kevin, let me explain."

He smiled at me, even though he's smiling at me I can still see that faint anger in his eyes. Maybe he thought I'll say yes. I thought so, too for a moment. But that didn't pushed me at the brink of hesitation.

I said no because it's the best for the both of us. We still doesn't have a good foundation. It's too fast, it's like a quicksand. The more you make a move the more it pulls you in. Hindi iyon tama, we need to evaluate ourselves first.

Marriage is not something you can put back on the shelf. It's something that's decided through series of deep thoughts and not just because you felt intense and overwhelming fire. Once you commit to marriage, you have to keep that very fire burning whatever it takes. You don't turn your back on it once the flames started to dim. You do things to keep it warm, not let it grow cold.

I don't think Kevin understands that. He wants to marry me because he wanted to give me assurance? That's ridiculous. What if he changes his mind in the long run? If I said yes, he won't be able to take his freedom that he loves so much. He won't be able to live his life at its fullest.

I want him to want to marry me because he wants to. Not for other reasons like wanting to give me assurance. I want him to want to marry me unconditionally.

I tried to reach out to him but he stood up. "I should go."

"Kev, sleep here. Gabi na."

He chuckled. "I like next door, Kate. I don't think something will happen to me if I go out of your house and cross the lawn."

I sighed. "I'll walk you to the door, then." Tumango si Kevin at ibinulsa ang kahon na kanina ay nakaalay para sa akin. When we reached the door, he just walked straight to the gate without looking back. I almost want to call him back, I felt guilty about saying no but that guilt won't change my mind. If he ask me again, I will say no once more.

I stayed up all night. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that it's okay, that what I did was justifiable I couldn't help but feel guilty everytime.

Mali bang inisip mo muna ang pwedeng mangyari in the long run? Mali ba na inuna ko ang katotohanan kaysa magpadala sa bugso ng damdamin? Is it normal to feel bad about doing something right? This is making me very distracted.

The sun is almost rising when I felt that my eyes are really heavy. I think I fell asleep for like 30minutes, then a loud knocking on my door stopped my slumber. "Kate! Kate!" Boses ni mommy.

Ilang katok pa ay pumihit pabukas ang aking pintuan. She stopped at the door because that's where the balloons started, may mga pictures ko doon at marami pang confetti sa sahig.