Don't Come Back For Me

Hurt.

       After a year and four months had passed, you had begun to realize you'd been drinking much, much more. You thought you had it under control, but that slowly slipped away until you were drinking nonstop in an attempt to hide the pain. You didn't want anybody to worry about you, you wanted Summer and Beth to stop trying to fix you. Rick was gone, you couldn't bring him back no matter how hard you tried.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything 

       Now, as you sat, wasted, on your couch, watching Spongebob dance wildly on your screen with a drunken smile, you could feel the familiar tug, the knot in your stomach as you watched a scene where Spongebob had been particularly annoying. It reminded you of Blumi, of how you'd screwed with him before Rick reprimanded you, only to turn around and apologize. You could remember how quickly he'd changed, stopping himself before he hurt you. He had cared, as much as he promised he did, in that moment. In every moment. He cared about you, truly.

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt 

       You used to be so sweet, so kind, so funny. But now, even you knew you were pulling away from everybody, becoming so damn distant that they couldn't reach you no matter how hard they tried. Rick left, he left because he wanted to keep you safe, because he was tired of watching you get hurt. He was tired of watching you try to defend yourself from Evil Rick and Morty, the sons of bitches that took your boss away.

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here 

       You were disappearing in a big, black pit that you couldn't pull yourself out of, no matter how hard you tried. There was no saving yourself now. As you lifted another bottle to your lips, you smiled. The alcohol made the pain tolerable, made it so you could think about Rick without your head spinning. You were slowly becoming just like him. You were no longer just (Y/N). You were becoming two people, like a fusion. You were growing just like Rick, but you were still (Y/N), deep down in the pit of despair. You only had to reach up and accept the hands being offered to you, trying to pull you from this. But you merely scoffed and smacked them away, ignoring the hurt, worried glances they cast down at you.

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt 

       You let Rick down. You broke your promise to Beth, you turned Rick into a liar and invalidated his beliefs that you could handle this. You lied to yourself, saying that you'd be alright. You weren't. You were ready to quit, to give it all up. Rick was gone. Rick was gone, and he was never coming back. You couldn't save him, and you didn't know what was happening to him. You could only sob bitterly as you prayed he wasn't tied down somewhere, wishing so desperately to be freed. 

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

       As you sat on the couch, Spongebob playing in the background, you could only wish you'd never come to this dimension. Maybe, if you'd stayed in your own, you could've found somebody by now. Somebody that wouldn't turn themselves in for you, somebody that wouldn't make you wonder what the hell they were making you feel. After all this time, you still couldn't place a name to that distinguished feeling. 

        If you could start again, you would never have come here, never have gone to look for Morty and wind up hearing about the famed Rick 137. You never would've come in and ruined Rick's life, his family's. He'd be home right now if it wasn't for you. He never would've felt obligated to sacrifice himself.

       "It's all my fault."