City Of Dreams

Fifty-Three

I sit at my post, steaming the same old clothes with the same old steamer.

Alex stomps in.

"Get up you large piece of loser. We're going to the beach."

I turn my head around to face her.

"Why?"

She shrugs.

"Because it will be fun. Come on. You know you wanna."

I smile and turn the steamer off, setting it on the table.

"Anything to stop steaming."
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We drive up to a sunny spot.

I take my shoes off when we step out.

I've never felt real sand.

I've had the sandbox sand.

But never beach sand.

I let it sink in between my toes.

I giggle like a child on Christmas morning.

Andrea lays a towel out on the sand.

Allison couldn't come.

She has pregnant things to deal with.

I sigh.

I'll probably never know what it's like to be a mom.

I'm a sucky friend and wife so how could mothering go any worse?

Alex motions for me to sit.

I lean back against the hot car, feeling the metal warm up my back.

The sun shines on my face.

And everything's ok.

Until I fall asleep.

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It's always the same nightmare.

Every time.

It starts with Addie yelling at me and pushing me.

Then Lin follows behind her, shaking his head in disapproval.

And they both vaporize into thin air and Oak slaps me across my face, leaving less pain than Addie and her words.

I see Chris driving down the road until he hits the brakes too early and skids off the road and into a tree.

I see David standing over him as they pull the cord.

He looks up at me as they roll Chris out.

I can't hear him, but I can read his lips.

He says, "your fault".

I'm thrown back onto the bathroom floor with Katie that one night, hoping and praying she can hold on, but knowing inside she can't.

I close my eyes and shake my head to try and get rid of it, but it stays.

A gunshot echoes through my brain and two people fall to the ground.

One at the hand of something I couldn't have seen.

One at the hand of something I caused.