City Of Dreams

Fifty-Eight

I left the mail room with a smile on my face.

Alex has been letting me take the laptop home just in case.

"We don't really need it in the shop anyway. It was just sitting around."

Her voice echoed in my head.

I opened the computer and it automatically beeped.

My eyes scanned the email.

Charlotte,

I know you probably don't want to speak to me ever again, and I know you left for a reason but I just wanted you to see this. Addie told me she found out where you were because of someone named Andrea I believe. I made this with a little help from her. I know it won't make you come back, but it might just make you feel a bit better knowing I still care. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I love you.

~Darren

My eyes watered.

There was a video attached to the email.

I forced myself to click it.

It started with Darren standing in front of the Music Box Theater.

He leaned his head to the side, making the huge bruise on his face more present.

I remembered Addie admitting to hitting him.

My heart sunk to my toes.

He looked awful.

"Is it going, Addie?"

I could hear her groan from close up.

"Yes, Darren, just start."

He fidgeted with the sleeves of his hoodie.

Music played.

I recognized the tune.

My jaw dropped, standing agape at my feet.

"He said, 'There's nothing like your smile, sorta subtle and prefect and real.' He said, 'You never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel. And he knew, whenever you get bored you braid a part of your hair, and he noticed that you look always look beautiful and never seem to care.'"

My heart stopped at his words.

He was adjusting them.

To refer to me.

"but he kept it all inside his head, what he saw he left unsaid. And though he wanted to, he couldn't talk to you. He couldn't find the way, but he would always say..."

I paused the video.

My eyes scanned every bit of the image.

I took in every person walking by, every crease in his jeans, and every hair on his head.

My hand reached up and pressed play.

It was like I had paused time and restarted it again.

"'If I could tell her, tell her everything I see, if I could tell her how she's everything to me, but we're a million worlds apart...and I don't know how I would even start, if I could tell her. If I could tell her.."

I watched as he glanced around the street as the people walked by him, some taking a moment to make a face at the camera or kiss him on the cheek as they passed by, but he kept singing.

"He thought you looked really pretty, erm yeah it looked really pretty when you put the little stones in your hair."

His eyes glanced above the camera as if to look at my head.

I remembered putting little stones in my hair for my first Tonys.

"Hey Charlotte- wow. I uh... like t-the stones in your hair."

I smiled, tears forcing their way out and down my face.

"And he wondered how you learned to perform like all the rest of the world isn't there. But he kept it all inside his head. What he saw, he left unsaid-"

I held a breath in my lungs and prepared for the bridge I knew was coming.

"If I could tell her, tell her everything I see. If I could tell her how she's everything to me-"

He nailed it.

His voice was enough to bring a girl to her knees.

Addie, Chris, Lin and the girls made their way around and stood behind him and smiled.

Addie winked.

My heart dropped even farther.

I could imagine it sinking through the floorboards and landing on someone else's bed in the room below me.

"But we're a million worlds apart"

I mouthed the words with him, unable to sing along.

"And I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell her. If I could tell her, but what do you do when there's this great divide?"

His arms spread out wide, barely missing a woman walking with her toddler.

Addie leaned over his shoulder and sang,

"She just seemed so far away.."

Darren's head and Addie's moved as one, lifting to the west.

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky.

"And what do you do when the distance is too wide?"

Addie looked back at Chris who smiled back at her.

My stomach flipped.

"It's like I don't know anything."

She sang softly.

They all lowered their heads and only Darren looked back up.

"And how do you say, 'I love you'? I love you? I love you. I love you!"

He paused.

I imagined my heart making its way down to the lobby of the building and eventually into the ground below it.

"But we're a million worlds apart..."

There was a pause that stirred my stomach.

"And I don't know how I would even start...if I could tell her...if I could-"

That was it.

The video was over.

Tears fell down my face.

And I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing.

But i caught my breath and used it to stand up and catch a cab to the shop.