City Of Dreams

Sixty-Three

My legs were as heavy as lead balls.

I pulled myself from the window.

My hopes of a beautiful reunion of hugs and kisses fell down the drain pipe next to me.

I gathered enough control of my body to put an earbud back in and start walking in the opposite direction of which I came.

I told you.

You never listen.

Idiot.

Why would you think they would let you back?

I stare at the ground, feeling the joy from earlier drain from my body and into the drain pipe with my hopes.

My legs run again, but not of excitement.

I stop next to the Richard Rodgers Theater.

I lean over, shrinking in on myself.

Bile sets in the back of my throat.

I hear people try to talk to me. 

I reach a hand out to steady myself on the theater.

The world spins under me.

I get an idea.

I wave away the crowd I've gathered and attempt to stand up.

"...alright"

I mumble.

My legs move again.

They are heavy and almost immobile.

We told you.

Find some people who actually care.

Go back.

Nobody wants you here.

Leave.

Get out.

You don't belong here.

I breathe deeply and speed up my walking.

My legs lead me to a bridge that leads into Manhattan.

"Shit...."

I mumble, out of breath.

"Not this again."

I turn around and start running again.

They lead me to the only place I've ever really felt safe.

I stare coldly at the headstone.

Katherine Ogle

1992~2014

I've looked at those words a thousand times.

But now I finally see them.

I look up to the blue sky.

A smile creeps up onto my face.

It fades faster than it appeared.

Look at what else you've done.

This is what you get for coming back.

This is what you get for coming here to begin with.

It's your fault.

All your fault.

I cover my ears and curl up into a ball.

I imagine a little kid wandering into the graveyard and picking me up with their little hands.

"I found the ball!"

He would yell and put me back on the ground, kicking me back to his friends.

Go back.

Stop existing at all.

You've got nothing left.

Nobody cares.

Stop breathing.

Leave.

You've got nothing.

Die.

"CHARLOTTE!"

A voice makes me yelp and jump, undoing from my ball.

I turn around to see nothing but blonde, highlighted with pink.

I stop breathing.

We stare at each other for a second, neither of us looking away or breathing.

"I saw you in the window."

She says with an unreadable tone.

I stand to my feet.

She stares at me.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come back. I've been a terrible friend and I see why you repl-"

Her arms are wrapped around my neck.

She's not choking me.

She's hugging me.

My eyes water and my legs give out.

We both fall to the ground in front of the grave.

I copy her hug.

She chuckles through her constant tears.

"You came back..."

I nod.

She sniffles and I hug her tighter.

"I'm not going anywhere."

Another pair of footsteps approach, noticeably running.

"Addie why did you le-"

My head jerks up.

Two tear-filled pairs of eyes.

Two hearts that beat as one heart.

Two pairs of arms that tangle up.

"Did the song help?"

Darren asks through croaks.

I nod, unable to manage words.

Addie wraps her arms around both of us.

The voices quieten.

And everything fades but us.

Three grief-stricken, neck-hugging, and constantly-crying imbeciles in a pile next to a grave.

I feel truly warm for the first time in months.

My heart starts back and leaps.

We don't move.

I don't want to move.

They don't let me go.

I don't let them go.

Because you can't just let your family go.

"Im not going anywhere."