Etiquette
noun et·i·quette \ˈe-ti-kət, -ˌket\
: the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life
Join us (secret assholes in disguise), give you advice on the DO's an...
Because this year, your wonderful parents are hosting your annual family Christmas dinner where even the most distant relative that you always forgot existed were invited!
Queue the dread!
HOW TO SURVIVE THIS HARROWING SITUATION:
Doctor Dolittle:
Sometimes animals are just way better than humans, and in this case, they are infinitely better than any of your kin. If you have a pet with you, be ready to make use of them.
Annoying cousin coming your way? - > Turn to the pet.
Nosey Aunt on a mission to find out everything about your nonexistent love life? -> Turn to the pet.
If you're an unfortunate soul, who doesn't the type of pet you could hold, I still love you, Stevie; then it's time to steal that adorable Shih Tzu from Aunt Mariam. Volunteer to watch the dog and talk to him for the rest of the night. In the same instance, you're helping the poor thing since it looked like they were about to suffocate from all the perfume Aunt Mariam was wearing.
So it's a win-win for both of you!
Grinch In Disguise:
To be able to execute this plan perfectly, you have to be ready and willing to help your dear mother in the kitchen and socialize with your crazy Aunts.
Why?
Well, you can finally get all the juicy details from that one scandal your least favorite (not hate because it's Christmas after all) cousin got herself in the past year. Nothing says Merry Christmas more than good old blackmail material. This way that least favorite cousin can't complain about you not getting them a present.
Last Will & Testament:
Maybe it's time to enter uncharted territory here. Channel your inner Nathan Drake, Lara Croft, Indiana Jones, and speak to the one Uncle everyone seems to be avoiding. You might get something out of it! *cough*money*cough* Or maybe your efforts will pay off in the long run when years later, you get a call from dear Uncle Bob's lawyer saying he had passed away and he has left you with all his treasures. Who knew Uncle Bob was a millionaire? No one. And now, you're the millionaire.
Congratulations!
Long Lost Cousin:
GUESS WHO'S BACK?! Back again...from backpacking who knows where? Your favorite cousin! You may not talk all that much during any other time of the year, but every Christmas you just seem to click! And clicking together can mean only one thing: judging and silently laughing at everyone else. Why did Uncle Dave think his sweater was anything to be proud of? Does grandma even know what hers is saying? And why does Aunt Mariam resemble a Christmas Tree? Good thing you're watching her Shih Tzu, huh?
What was that saying? The cousins who judge together on the holidays...will most likely end up in hell. But, hey! At least you're still together.
Call Me Christmas DJ:
If you can't enjoy socializing with your kin, then you should be able to enjoy the music, right? Right. That's why you make a grab for the Bluetooth speaker before cousin Henry can and start playing the same old songs from last year. Once you got your music going, guard that speaker with your life. It was the only thing keeping you sane, and NO YOU CANNOT CHANGE MY MUSIC! They're guaranteed to leave you alone after that.
Out Of The Closet:
So maybe being around with unknown family members really isn't your thing (welcome to the club), and since you cant escape to your room (your WONDERFUL parents have locked your door) it's safe to say you'll need to pull out your hidden ninja skills. Grab all the food you could get, crawl through the horde, and hide in the pantry. OUt of sight is out of mind, right? Have a Merry Christmas in there!
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What other ways can you think of to avoid family?
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