This isn't what I want

chapter 37

** Hotch's POV **

"She's out of surgery." Was all JJ could tell me before dissolving into tears as I approached.

"It's my fault." I say, and sit down next to her.

"Aaron, none of this is your fault."

"She was going to tell me something, before we went to finish the case."

"Really? I didn't know anything about that. I don't know how you're feeling, but I'm here for you to talk to, if you want."

"Thank you." I answer and we sit together.

The wait for news takes forever. I think back to the morning, where I woke up with Emily by my side. Eating pancakes and feeling safe together. It feels like a life time ago. I try hard not to think about the unsub. I won't ever forget how I didn't protect her. It was his fault. No, it was mine. I shouldn't have let her go on her own. And if she doesn't...

I fall asleep in the same uncomfortable chair, exhausted from the day.

** Next day, JJ's POV **

I wake up stiff after sleeping in a hospital chair, and I look over at Aaron, who's sleeping, his head resting on his shoulder. I genuinely feel so bad for him, I can't imagine what he's thinking.

"Agent Jareau?" The doctor calls, and I go over to him.

"Emily is recovering well, no bleeding during the night. We expect her to wake up this morning. She's a tough woman, I can tell you that, to survive a bullet like that." The doctor tells me.

"Thank you very much." I say, overjoyed.

Aaron stirs, and I rush over to him to tell him the good news.

"Hotch, Emily's going to be fine! No complications last night, and they said she should wake up soon!" I say, and this smile of relief spreads over his face.

"Thank goodness." He says, and gives me a brief hug, before we both step away slightly awkwardly.

I look in his eyes for a second and I can see what he's feeling, because I feel the same. I don't know what to think. I felt something, and I'm sure he did too. I'm ashamed because of it, Emily's still unconscious, and I feel like kissing her boyfriend.

But it isn't right. And it isn't fair. And it isn't what either of us want. Not really. I keep telling myself that as we wait by her bedside for her to wake up.