This isn't what I want

chapter 51

** Reid's POV **

"It's Peter's? When did that happen?"

I'm so confused, and angry, and disappointed, and worried, and scared, and all I can think about is JJ all alone in her hospital room. She doesn't even know who I am anymore. Two weeks ago we were out on a date. No, I'm less than fifty feet away from her and I can't even hold her hand. The doctor seems to understand that I need a minute and fetches me a cup of water.

"Doctor, I know it's hard to take, but she's going to need support. Has she got anyone at home?"

"Um, well her mom, Sandy, is currently looking after her two children."

"She's already got children?"

"Oh, yes. Henry is five and Aria is only a few months old. But she's miscarried many times."

"I'm sorry to hear that. If she doesn't want to keep the baby, the hospital can make arrangements..."

"No, she's not like that. Aria, her daughter, was a baby from an abusive relationship. She didn't want her at first, but then after a couple of days she realised that the ultimate victory over her ex was to keep the baby and raise her to learn right from wrong. She sees the bright side in every situation. She really is amazing."

The doctor leaves to go check on other patients, and Emily comes towards me.

"Spencer, what is it?"

"Em, what if she really doesn't want this one? She almost cut Aria from her stomach last time. I can't protect her from herself this time when I can't even see her."

** Emily's POV **

Reid really does look distraught. I know he's worried for JJ, we all are, but this isn't helping her. He needs to remain strong whilst she recovers. The doctors have been running all sorts of tests to try and find out what drugs she's been injected with. 

"She'll get better. The doctors, they'll find out what it is that's changed her. Maybe it's something like LSD or PCP or something. It's not permanent, we just need to be patient." I try to convince him, but it's more like I'm convincing myself.

"I know what you mean, but I can't relax. Not while she's like that. I just hope she didn't take the news badly." 

"What do you mean?" I ask him, concerned.

"If she's experiencing some form of delusion or psychosis, she could be vulnerable to suicidal impulses, or self harm." His voice is trembling now.

"She'll be alright, Reid." I whisper in his ear as I gently hug him.

** JJ's POV **

There's a funny taste in my mouth that I can't seem to get rid of, no matter how much water I drink. I look down at my stomach, which has several wires connecting it to the machine nearby. I think of Peter, my attacker, the father of my child, and I realise how much the job has changed me. I've barely seen my two children in the past few months. I need to make it up to them. Maybe they'll enjoy having another sibling.

The door opens and the same doctor comes in again. He checks the file, again, checks the machine and then leaves. But this time he leaves a plate of fresh toast and butter. I blink to make sure it's real, and then reach out for a piece.

The melted butter slides down my throat, it's so comforting. I close my eyes and think back to when I used to make toast at home for my husband. Will used to lie in bed as I bring the tray up, balancing a stack of toast and two cups of hot coffee. He would lick his lips as I picked up a piece and placed it into his open mouth with a laugh. Back when Will used to be a loving husband.

Times have changed since then. Things are different, and I have to get used to it. But there are still things playing on the back of my mind. People I feel like I know, but I don't. And there's something about that name, Spencer Reid. Who is he?