This isn't what I want

chapter 36

** JJ's POV **

Dear Lord, I know I haven't prayed for many years. In fact, I haven't gone to church since I was eleven. But I'm asking for your help. I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose Emily. She's my best friend, and she's been there for me when nobody else was, even my own mother. I don't know if this is going to help, but please can you watch over her and keep her safe?

I haven't prayed since I was eleven. I stopped believing after I lost Rosaline. But I'm desperate. I try to hold back the tears but I break down as I sit in the waiting room, hoping that Emily comes out alright.

I haven't heard from Hotch or the boys, but Garcia rushes into the hospital, pushing Aria in her buggy.

"How is she?" She asks me.

I can't say anything, I just cry into her shoulder. 

"I can't live without her. I just can't." I sob, and she hugs me hard.

"She's strong. She'll make it. You know she will." Garcia tries to comfort me, but we both know there's nothing guaranteed. 

** The Operating Room, General POV **

The doctors gather round her as her blood pressure drops. Her heart rate drops. The machine doesn't beep any more, it rings out the sound of no pulse. No life.

Emily doesn't move, and the surgeon starts CPR. Dr Reinheart hurries with a defibrillator. After one shock, there is no response. Again, no response.

** Emily's thoughts **

Matthew?

Well, here we are again, Em. Wasn't long ago we talked, and you went back. Why are you here again?

It's the job. Got shot by the unsub. They can't revive me.

Is this what you want?

I wanted a life with Aaron. I've only just found him. Just moved in. We were trying to start a family.

What's stopping you? You have the power. You can go back, start your family. Don't let the unsub win.

Will you stay with me?

Emily, I never left. I'm always here for you, whenever you need me. I'm here.

I'm scared.

Of what?

Of dying. Of surviving. Of attempting to move on.

You'll be fine, Emily. Trust me. Trust me.

Thank you, Matthew.

For what?

For being yourself.

Well, now it's your turn.

Turn for what?

To be yourself. I'll see you later.

** General POV **

The monitor starts to beep once more, as Emily's heart begins to pump. The pulse is strong, and the surgeons carry on trying to stop the bleeding and close up her wounds. 

After another hour, they take her out of surgery, and move her to a small room. She's alive, but unconscious. Dr Reinheart goes to talk to Jennifer Jareau.

** JJ's POV **

A tall doctor comes towards me, and I stand up hurriedly.

"How is she?"

"Alive. She's stable, and out of surgery. But she hasn't woken up yet. She's unconscious, and we need to keep her for observation. These next few hours are critical."

"Thank you, doctor. Thank you very much."

I know she's not out of the woods yet, but I feel relieved. At least she made it out of surgery. It's up to her to fight now. And I know she will. She'll fight for herself, and she'll fight for Aaron.