This isn't what I want

chapter 47

** The hospital, Emily's POV **

One of the things I don't like about the job is the amount of time we spend in hospital waiting for news. Seeing the whole team so despondent and depressed is just so sad, and it doesn't make anything better. We've had no news about JJ's condition and I can tell Reid is taking it extremely hard.

"She didn't know any of us, Em." He cried as we drove to the hospital earlier.

Right now he's asleep, tears staining his cheeks, his head resting on Morgan's shoulder. I can't tell if Morgan is awake or asleep but his eyes are closed and his ears are plugged with his headphones. He's always listening to music. But I never asked what he likes to listen to. It's amazing how little I know about my family when they seem to know everything.

And I look over at Hotch, who's just watching me. There is just sadness in his eyes as mine meet his. So many unspoken words and feelings as we connect. I feel his smooth hands around my own and it's comforting, but it also makes me think of JJ all alone in surgery.

"I love you." Aaron whispers, "forever."

"You're mine." I tell him.

"Always?"

"Always." I confirm and plant a kiss on his cheek before resting my head on his shoulder and closing my heavy eyes.

** Hotch's POV **

Emily's so gorgeous when she sleeps. Like an angel. So young and innocent. Her hair always falls over her shoulder and onto her cheek, but she never brushes it away. Instead I gently stroke it until it's tucked behind her ear. I wonder if she feels my touch when I stroke her hair. When I kiss her cheek. When I whisper "sleep tight".

The entire team is asleep but me. I've always had trouble sleeping, but it's 4 in the morning. The hospital staff gave up trying to offer us a room to stay in. We insisted on waiting for news. Waiting for JJ to be safe. Safe and home. Not here. Not connected to so many machines and tubes with her life depending on the competency of a handful of surgeons and doctors.

Another minute goes by and Emily adjusts her position on my shoulder, so I just rest my arm on hers and lay back. Slowly, I fade away into the darkness of deep sleep.

She's running next to me, her breath is struggling. I turn to face her and she's on the ground. There's a hole in her chest. But no blood comes out. Instead, life pours out of her into my hands, and I can't save her.

No! JJ! Please, wake up. I'm sorry. It's my fault. I'm sorry. Stay with me. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have accepted Strauss. I should have fought harder. JJ!!

She fades away and someone is screaming in the background.

"Hotch? AARON HOTCHNER!"

** Emily's POV **

I'm woken up by Hotch shaking as he dreams. A nightmare.

"Hotch?" I ask tentatively before yelling, "AARON HOTCHNER!" which startles him awake.

"Aaron, are you alright? You were just dreaming. I'm here for you, Aaron. None of this is your fault."

"I wish I could believe that, Em, I really do." He says and I hate hearing the disappointment in his voice. "I'm sorry." He says again as he pulls me into a tight hug.