Hard Time (Hard Time Series Book 1)

Love And Dreams

STEF POV

Sometimes when I allowed myself to daydream it was about life out of here, life with my babies and being free. Free as a bird and letting myself soak up the California sun that I always loved even from the time I was a kid and would go to the beach with my mother. Maybe I'd go to that same beach and watch my little girl run in the sand and splash in the water with her and my son. Later we would build sandcastles and share ice cream and rainbow snow cones.  Just maybe and head home to wash the sand off our feet and make pizza or something. They would have their own rooms, unlike the shit hole I had them living in with me and Frankie's father, and I would decorate them however they wanted. That had always been one of the things I wanted to do, interior decorating, but it sounded like a joke so I never dare told a sole. This vision I had never included a man, Cheryl at one point maybe, but not to the extent that I daydreamed about Lena.  Rox was right in the fact that Lena was so damm different as I allowed myself to visualize her at the beach with us along with Noah stumbling along in the sand as cute as he was. The two of us would share kisses all day long  and no longer having to worry about guards calling us inmates or telling us not to touch. Holding hands on the sand as we talked about any and everything. Just a simple life. A job? Yeah, I'd have a normal one maybe that didn't involve a chance of getting locked up and the pressure of being in charge at times. A life that allowed me  to see both my babies grow up unlike now where I missed everything including my little girls first words, steps, and her first day of school. Where I missed her dance recitals and Jude's games or simply just doing homework with them. Things at one time I took for granted but never would again.

My kids of course had grown in the last five years that I had been locked up as my little girl would be turning 6 soon and Jude was 12. If all went well there was talk of a new program that would be tested out where some of the kids of certain ages could stay over depending on the crime we did and a hosts of other things. Never would I get my hopes up over that shit for it only took one bitch in here to fuck it up for all of us and then I'd have to fuck them up. 

To be honest I wasn't sure how good these visits were for my babies because it seemed to destroy my little one so much and my son who tried to be strong about it. Frankie was very young and she didn't understand why I couldn't come home and asked me every day on the phone when I could.  To me it was the worst telling her I couldn't as I'd hear her cry on the other end telling me how much she loved me and missed me. Truth was I barely knew that little princess and Mike had bent over backwards making sure she knew who I was and that I loved her. Visits were funny with her and each time she came it took a bit for her to get comfortable with me. Almost like we had to get to know each other all over again for she was so shy.

"Hey babygirl. Hi my sweetness. How are you love?" I asked her as she stood beside her uncle looking shyly into my eyes. Gently stroking her soft cheek I smiled at her so warmly as her sweet hazel eyes continued to look into mine.

"Hi." she whispered in a tone that was barely audible. 

"Hi baby. Don't be shy pumpkin. It's just mama. Remember. It's ok my sweetheart." Grabbing her hand I softly kissed it as a small smile formed on her face. "Do you want to maybe sit and play with some of the toys with me?MM?"

"Can you read to me mama?"

"Of course sweetheart." Picking her up and not giving a shit how big she was Frankie wrapped her arms around me hugging me so tight as we took a seat together and she remained on my lap the entire visit. Once she got comfortable I often couldn't get her to stop talking and I didn't mind it one bit. Her sweet little voice was like nothing else to me as well as my sons who  had not visited me in some time.

"So what books do we have baby? MM?" I asked looking on the table as she picked one out. "Ahh Too Many Cats huh?"

"Yes. Uncle Mike got me a cat mama." She said turning to look at me and smiling as I played with her two pretty long and thick braids.

"Aww did he now. Well that was very nice of him. Did you say thank you?"

"Yes." Turning around completely to face me she started to play with my long hair and trace hearts on my face as I gently grabbed her little finger and kissed it over and over.

"Mama?"

"Yeah love?"

"When can you come home? I wish you could take me to school."

"I know baby. I know you want that but I um, I can't honey. I'm not allowed to leave here. Remember we talked about it. MM?"

"Yes. You can take me when I get really big?"

"I will try to  sweetheart. I will." Seeing tears roll down her cheeks she hugged me warmly as I tried to hold mine inside. But it was hard it was so hard as I looked across the room at my brother who looked just as sad and I kissed my little girl's forehead.

Most of our visits went like this and my son got to a point where he no longer came to see me regularly. I understood how hard it was for him but he still wrote me letters and emails almost daily. Many times on the phone he told me some weeks it was too hard for him to see me in here. Which I got but it left me feeling so weak and heartbroken. Truth was my kids had no idea who I really was on the outside world and in here. They had no idea people feared me, that I hurt people, that I ran the prison, that I did the things I did. I'd never show them that part of me ever in life and more then anything I wanted them to be good people. Good people and live an honest life and maybe one day I would too.

"What are you thinking about?" I suddenly heard seeing Lena smiling at me as she rested beside me. Not even realizing how long she had been looking at me I smiled warmly at her as she kissed my bare shoulder.

"Life out of here."I joked.

"Already? But we just got comfortable." She said sarcastically as I laughed a bit more. "Seriously baby what's on your mind?"

"Ahh my kids love. I miss them."

"I know you do. You never talk about them you know and I'd love to know more. Is it too hard?"

"Yes. Some days yes baby."

"Today is one of them huh?"

"Yeah. Frankie is turning 6 soon and it's another birthday I'll miss."

"Baby. I'm sorry. I really am."

"It's ok love." Sitting up I felt her gently rub my back up and down as I heard her sigh. "I know you miss Noah as well sweetheart."

"I do. And I guess like you some days are worse then others." Feeling her slide in her fingers in my I turned my head a bit to look into her warm soft eyes.

"I was also daydreaming about us. Being together with our kids. Living together, going to the beach. Decorating our home. It's fucking stupid." I joked shaking my head as she turned my face to look at hers.

"That's not stupid. Not at all so don't you ever say that." Gently cupping my cheek in the most sensitive way her voice was so sweet and kind but stern. " Stef, you are more then this place we all are and you are entitled to dreams  and yours sounds beautiful. I'd love a life with you outside of this. A normal one with our babies and our own little home and I've thought about it too."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. I'm.. I'm falling in love with you. I, I love you Stef. I mean maybe it's crazy since it's only been a few months but I do. I do and it's nothing like I've ever felt. Ever."

"Baby..The love I have for you. My beautiful lioness." I said stroking her cheek as she grabbed my hand kissing it. "You have no idea how much I'm in love with you. No idea but you're about to find out." I winked at her as she leaned into me kissing my lips softly.