I Dont Do Too Well On My Own

The Sixth Chapter

Joe arrives just after 3. Each minute waiting is another minute of intense stomach cramps and dizzying headaches. Im overreacting, surely.

I sit as far away from Joe as I can manage without being rude. I dont think I want to be here anymore.

"You drink, right?" Joe asks.

"And its a problem, right?" Joe asks.

"Why dont you want to give it up?" Joe asks.

I dont have an answer for most of his questions.

"What is so great about drinking? I know already, but why is it so good for you?" Joe asks.

"I like drinking not because of the flavour. I like it because for one night Im on autopilot. For one night I dont have to care. Its like my brain shuts up and nothing that I do matters." I start.

I pause for a moment and think. My fingers are plumb coloured from griping onto the seat. My nails are like claws, piercing the chair. This is a bad idea.

"Look, this is a bad idea. I dont even know you Joe. What is opening up even going to do for me?"

"Hi Im Joe, what is your name?" Joe sticks his hand out suddenly.

I hesitate for a moment.

I take his hand and shake it. "Jesse." I trail off.

His hand tightens a little.

"Jesse?" He asks. "I think I recognise you."

My heart stops. Why would he recognise me? I try and pull my hand from his grasp lightly but he keeps gripping.

"Jessica, am I right?"

"J-Jessica?" I ask, forcefully dropping his hand.

"Yeah, arent you that girl from California that-"

I dive on top of Joe, sticking my hands over his mouth, muffling the sound. I hold myself on top of him, my hands pressed almost too firmly over his mouth. His eyes show fear and excitement and other things that I dont have time to work out. I knew this was a bad idea. I knew I shouldnt have committed to this.

I look up at Pete and Patrick who look extremely confused.

"Could you please get off Joe and explain whats going on?" Patrick asks nicely.

I cant get off Joe unless he never talks again, and we all know that is not going to happen. I tilt my head back, taking a deep breath and working out my options. Tears threaten to spill. 4 years and its all over. My breathing starts to speed and my heart hurts. I was starting to like these guys...

"Jesse?" Pete stands slowly.

I dont notice Joe struggling under me. I need to run. Thats what I need to do. The first tear topples from my eye and I look around like a forest animal on in danger. My eyes hurt, like popping out of my head, they are so wide. Suddenly everything slows, I have to run now or they will get me. It was nice knowing them.

I count down before stumbling over the back of the sofa and bolting.

I yelp, pushing the door open and tripping onto the path. I slam the door after me and run as fast as I can. Im not sure where Im running but its down the road. Then left. Then wherever my feet take me. Just away.

"Jesse!" Someone shouts after me.

I cant stop or they will get me. Behind me, all three of them are running, Joe the only one with shoes on. My running is more made of long strides than fast sprinting now as I reach the edge of a wood. Im pretty sure Im near a park, but I havent been here before. I need to lose them, now. I need to get lost.

I consider what would happen if I ran into the woods. I then stop myself from thinking by simply running straight in. I go straight so I can get out one day, and keep running. My feet hurt as I stumble across tree roots and stones and rocks and my eyes blur from tears and an overwhelming feeling of failure.

I dont know how long it takes, but I run and run until there is nothing but trees. Trees for what seems like forever. I keep walking, hoping for and exit, or somewhere to stay but eventually I have to stop, my legs dropping me by a large tree. It seems that I cried myself out of tears whilst I was running so I just sit, looking at the dark sky clouded by trees. I pull myself close to the wall of wood, leaning back and pulling my knees to my chest. It sinks in how stupid I am. Not even cunning anymore. Im going to have to move state. Id have to get a new job and a new friend and find a new club to go to. Id have to start again, again.

What if the guys go and tell everyone? What would I have to do to stop them?

Im not the desperate type. Or maybe thats just what I tell myself.

A few hours past but I cant really tell how long. To be honest, it could be 4 hours or it could be 8, but it is getting dark. I start walking again, wandering deeper into the forest. The guys must have given up at this point. I think Ive escaped.

Each separate hour is an hour of torture. I have to listen to my head and be stuck in my thoughts with nothing to distract me. Its almost like Im torturing myself. Its almost like Im doing this on purpose

I lie down next to a tree, clinging onto it like life support. It looks the same as before. Everything looks the same. Theres a small clearing of leaves above my head, so I can see the stars.

Its so empty out there. I wish I was out there.

I dont know what will become of me now. Better off dead. Better off dead.

If you jump forward a few hours you can see that Ive finally fallen asleep, curled up in the dark damp leaves on the muddy floor. You can see that I cling to the base of the tree and that my back curves over the roots that stick out. You can see me twitch through my dreams and you can see it start raining.

Classic.