I Dont Do Too Well On My Own

The Thirty-First Chapter

The next day I approach the wall again. The empty gap needs filling.

"Theres something missing." I say to Patrick, who is studying the wall with me.

"Hm." Patrick says, shifting feet. "How about you?"

That takes me by surprise.

"I mean, youre going to be here for a while, youre part of the family."

So, after getting rid of one family, Ive got another. Im part of a new family.

You can feel my heart melt into stone from rubber.

"Are you sure?" I ask.

"Of course! Lets do it!"

"You can paint over it if you dont want it in a while."

Patrick laughs like Im joking.

"Everything is temporary."

Everything is temporary. Thats a concept that Jessica had been built on.

Jessica was told that good and bad things are temporary. She was taught to savour the moment and catch it like a comet whilst its still here.

Some things arent temporary, like death. The feelings that come with death arent temporary either.

So technically Jessicas mother was wrong.

But Jessicas mother is gone now.

I stand with my back to the wall and Patrick flicks the switch on the light. The bright light hits me like the white block and I squint.

Nostalgia.

The light is blinding as Patrick starts talking. Im overreacting.

Flashback several years to that cliff face.

Patrick is talking but all Im thinking about is Jessica standing by that cliff. I swallow and change where my weight is.

"Stay still or youll jog me." Patrick says, deep in concentration.

Flashback to Jessicas mum shouting that on the November night.

I feel cold, like when I did this last, at the cliff face. Im shivering. I can see it all as if Im there.

"Patrick, I dont think I can do this." I say quietly.

"Of course youre wanted on my wall?" Patrick tries to understand from staring at my back.

"No. Thats not the point." I say.

Flash back to the water edging closer to Jessica.

"Its to early to recreate history. I need to sit down."

Even in the heat of the light Im shivering.

"Can you wait 10 minutes or do you need to sit down." Patrick says with more care than before.

"I-I need to sit down. I cant do this."

Flashback to Jessicas mother telling her the same story at the cliff edge.

Flashback to the sound of sharpie on the cliff edge.

Flashback to Jessica being paralysed with fear.

I drop my pose and step to the sofa, sitting down. My head rests in my hands as I focus on breathing.

Flashback to Jessica revisiting.

I feel a bit sick. I tried to start again too quickly. Im trying to push what I cant push

Flashback to Jessica being robbed.

I realise Patrick is talking to me.

I turn to look at him but Im not absorbing what he is saying. Its like he is making no sound at all.

Flashback to Jessica believing she had a chance with the stranger by the cliff face.

Patricks arm is now around my back. I think there are tears.

Flashback to when Sydney went and killed herself.

This sucks. I didnt chose to relive my life. My life just flashing before my eyes.

"Jesse? What are you thinking?" Patricks desperate voice finally reaches me and I gasp in a heavy breath.

"I just." I stutter. "I just saw everything again and I-"

I stop myself. How do I explain it all?

Flashback to Jessica crying for a whole day.

I flinch.

"It keeps coming back to haunt me and I..."

Is there a word for this? Is there a word for what I am?

Flashback to the first time I drowned myself in alcohol.

"Im still not over what my own parents told me."

Flashback to the shock I had when I lost my virginity to a stranger.

"Im still an alcoholic."

Flashback to when I stopped caring.

"I still havent apologised to Sydney."

I gasp another breath in panic.

"But shes dead so theres no point."

Flashback to my mum telling me that Id die without her.

"The one excitement in my life lead to disappointment."

Flashback to when I lost my job.

"One day is bipolar to another."

Flashback to each moment where I hated myself.

"And now Im weighing you guys down and costing you medical bills enough to resurrect Michael Jackson!"

I look up at Patrick.

"I dont know what Im doing."

He is just listening.

"My 23rd birthday is tomorrow and I still dont know how to ride a bike."

His eyebrows are knitted together.

"I was never a kid. Ever."

His warm eyes are filled with what I want to believe are tears.

"And I still hate myself after dealing with one of my life problems. -Make that my biggest problem."

He puts his other arm around me, sealing me in a hug.

"I was told everything is temporary, but its taking so long Patrick, so long."

I wrap my arms around his middle and, for the first time in forever, let myself cry.

I cry big ugly tears and sob huge body-shaking sobs. I cry enough tears to wash his t-shirt.

Every now and then Patrick sniffs, like he is crying too. Maybe he is. My life is pretty sad.

I cry until all my tears are wasted. I cry until Im tired and sore.

After a while we just sit. I sit in his arms as I wipe my eyes. We sit in silence.

Who would have thought I still hate myself? Even after all of this.