I Dont Do Too Well On My Own

The Nineth Chapter

Jump back 6 years, the first time that I knew I wanted to leave as soon as I could.

Little Jessica is lying in bed and her snooty excuse of a mother sits on the end of her bed.

"You have to leave your mark Jessica." She states, pouting.

And Jessica believes her.

"Theres a greek myth about a lover tracing their lovers shadow to preserve them for ever." Jessica has heard this story enough times. "Its like the first ever photo. But thats not the point. The point is, you have to leave a perfect print in the wall of life."

Jessica thinks about leaving a perfect impression. Jessica realises that her mum is taking the wrong impression of everything, this idea included. Jessica realises that she needs to leave, but only when her plan is fool proof and legal.

Her snooty excuse of a mother switches off the light by Jessicas bed and leaves. She leaves a sour message in Jessicas mind and leaves her in the dark.

You cant trace a shadow in the dark.

You can see this idea flower now, when I turn off the lights in Patricks living room. I make Patrick pose near the wall and I turn a lamp on near him. His perfect shadow is cast on the huge white wall behind him. I take a pencil and outline it.

"Dont move, or youll ruin it." I say, deep in concentration.

How he consented to this Ill never know. I mentioned it in therapy and he said he wanted to try it. Now he is outlined on the wall, kept there for ever. Him in this moment is cast onto the wall. His fedora is as wonky as his smile, but you cant see that.

"Andy, Joe and Pete are coming over soon, we could outline them too. That would be cool." Patrick notes.

I nod once, opening the black paint pot. Slowly I trace a snail trail of black paint around the figure on the wall. I sit on the floor and cross my legs, focusing on the lines that are Patricks shadow.

"You think you are going to look back at this and smile? Like... 'I was a great person back then'?" I ask with a smile.

"I hope to be a good guy for ever. But Im sure Ill look back at this with a smile."

"Youll be able to chip it off anyway, and repaint the white on top... If you get bored."

Im now on my tip toes, reaching for the top line of his fedora. Its as straight as I can manage, but then again, shadows arent that straight themselves.

I let the tip of my tongue slip through my lips.

"Sorry, any moment now and we will be done." I mumble.

"Can I help fill in the shadow with paint?" He asks, his face directly in front of mine.

"Give me a moment to finish the outline..."

I trace back down and to his toes. I keep the lines delicate and thin. I keep it like in the story that Jessica was told.

"Here, you can help me now." I say, handing him a paintbrush.

We use light grey to start filling in the shadow. I sit on the floor and work on the feet, whilst Patrick stands over me and paints from the head down.

"Put your mark in the world, make an impression." I mumble quietly. I repeat the words that Jessica was told every night.

"What was that?" Patrick looks down.

I look up at him, his cute grin and tilt of his hat.

"Nothing." I smile, turning back to work.

The grey consumes the white of the walls.

"So shock therapy? Why torture yourself like that?" Patrick asks.

"Why not, I wont go back if it works well enough. Im on a 2 day clean streak now... But after tomorrow I have work and Jasmine will want to know about that night..."

I let the paint brush tickle into the crevices of the wall.

"What time are the others around?" I ask, breaking the silence.

"Petes at an interview, but Andy should be here any moment. Joe is coming later." Patrick says.

"Does Joe think Im a criminal?"

"Yeah... Its funny actually. He is concerned and everyone else is chill about the situation. Its slightly worrying to be honest..."

I think of running away last night. Now that is concerning.

My paint brush hovers in limbo.

I dip it and let it touch the wall. I make the space where his heart should be into swirls and patterns. Patrick is working on the stomach so I am standing over his head.

"Last week I dreamt of meeting you. Okay, that sounds weird. But last week I was watching this interview and imagining what would happen if I met you." I say, deep in concentration.

Patrick lets free a chuckle and then a heavier laugh. He looks up and I nod, trying to hold onto a blush.

"Never thought Id be recreating Greek mythology with you."

He shakes his head with a grin, going back to painting.

"Im glad I havent freaked out on you yet."

"Im glad too. That would be interesting." He says, deep in concentration.

"Ive freaked out, as you have seen." I take a deep breath, "But, at least it wasnt over you. At least you arent harmed, you know?"

"My eyes were harmed. Well not really. But its not nice seeing someone struggling."

We drop back into silence as I fill in the area around the heart.