I Dont Do Too Well On My Own

The Thirty-Fourth Chapter

The darkness engulfs me. I sucks away my life and very being. I gasp for air but I dont need it.

If you close your eyes, does it almost feel like youve been here before?

The darkness is like thick black paint. Its still and calm, but suffocating.

The silence is so thick that you can choke on it.

You dont choke on it because you want to live.

The very darkness of the inside of my mind. Thats what you could call this.

See also: home.

See also: hell.

Its cold and damp and you wouldnt want to take a seat.

All I do is stand and endure it.

What can you do?

I just need to wait it out and soon Ill be out again.

I hold onto my breath.

And emerge.

I sit up suddenly. A wave of realisation washes over me. Its okay, Im out.

I lift up my top and check, just incase its changed. My top bunches between my fingers.

Nope, still there.

I swallow some pills to make it all stop hurting, my legs hovering over the edge of the bed.

I smile when I think of yesterday. That was a good day.

I go to make myself coffee. Patrick and Joe are at the table. Theyre talking like they have a secret.

Suspicion.

I can hear hints of what they are saying.

One word catches me out.

"Sydney"

My throat tightens and I turn around, forcing myself to take a seat at the table.

"Hi, sorry to intrude. Am I... Intruding?" I choke.

My coffee is bubbling quietly in the corner.

Patrick and Joe share a look. They look like parents telling a child that Santa doesnt exist.

"Since we almost have an album done..." Patrick starts, making the same intense eye contact as over a month ago. "We will then have a full time job after. That means interviews and a tour, maybe."

I can see where this is leading. I shuffle in my seat and lean forward, towards them.

"We are still worried about you being ill. You take a lot of pills each morning and still could need to go to hospital... You know?"

His warm eyes are pleading for my safety.

"You arent finished with therapy either."

I look at the table. My morning face is reflected back.

"And you havent really got a job on tour..."

"We just think it would be better to fly you over half way, when we meet in Australia. For your health." Joe finishes.

"Oh." I say.

I bite on my lip. Thats not what I expected.

"What if... What if Im better by then?"

Joe shrugs. "Its fairly unlikely."

"Yeah, but what if I am?"

Patrick and Joe share that same soppy look that makes them look dragged down and bloated with soapy water.

"Look, closer to the time we can talk about it. Lets focus on whats happening now." Patrick says.

This is wary parent talk.

"On a different note, Pete and Andy will be over soon to finish off our songs!"

Its their job. I cant stop them working. I cant be selfish.