I Dont Do Too Well On My Own

The Fortieth Chapter

"Im not Jesse anymore." I tell the support group. "Im now Skye. Im starting a new chapter."

Everyone smiles. "Hi Skye."

Zack smiles from across the room and I give him a look along the lines of 'you doing okay?'.

He shrugs with a look before replying with a look of 'and you'. I shrug a smile.

Again, I cant cry. Here, it seems too forced. I cant cry under pressure like that.

But after I talk to Zack again.

"What do you mean by your grandma being a squirrel?" I ask.

His tongue runs over his lips.

"Well." He says.

He takes a breath, looking away and back.

"When you have dementia or a mental disease like that, you eventually forget how to do normal things."

I try to keep eye contact to say that Im listening.

"And my grandma is on the stage where you forget how to do those basic things."

He looks up. His eyes are power blue and I have to blink a few times to register it.

"Recently she forgot how to swallow food. She chews it and then puts it in her pocket or in her bed or something. Like a squirrel."

His words, a squirrel.

"They have to feed this long tube into her stomach to keep her alive."

He looks up like a puppy.

"And, honestly, really honestly, I want to start a new chapter. I dont want her anymore. I dont want an old person who you have to remind that you are her grandson every single day. I dont want a grandma that puts chewed up food in her hair. I dont want an old lady with a small stature and growing medical bills. I just want her dead already."

His hands are balled up and he sighs.

"Do you want to help me kill her?"

"Not really. I just started again. Im not really into murdering old ladies." I reply after a moment of thinking.

"Well. You wont tell on me, will you? Shes practically dead anyway. Its just time before she forgets how to breathe."

"I wont talk about it. Dont worry." By not talking about it I mean I dont care.

That evening the guys practice again.

Their songs become cleaner and more perfected. Brendons echoing makes more sense. Its ready to record in a day or two.

"Hey, lets have a break." Brendon practically begs. "Can we play a game or something?"

"Card game?" Andy suggests.

"I mean... Like hide and seek."

Pete rolls his eyes "Are you ei-"

"Oh my sweet Jesus I love that game!" Joe shouts interrupting Pete.

Im looking between these grown men and wondering what the hells happening.

"Please can we play it quickly? One game?" Andy grins.

Pete and Patrick share a look.

"Yeah, I mean, Im not exactly against it-"

"Petes counting!" Joe screams and suddenly theyre all running.

Im left standing with Patrick and Pete.

"Kids." Pete mutters.

"Time a couple of minutes." I say, walking out the room.

Patrick is close behind.

"I know the perfect place, he wont look there first." He says.

I follow him up to the top of the house and through his room to some stairs. I follow him up and out his window. He closes it behind him so Pete doesnt find us.

"Here. Neat, isnt it?"

We sit on the roof. It has a beautiful view over most of Chicago. Little houses like tiny christmas lights dot the otherwise dark neighbourhoods. You can see all the landmarks, perfectly lit up and highlighted in the dark.

You could imagine a child saying 'I can see my house from here', pointing their stubby finger and smiling proudly.

"Its pretty special." I say.

"So, Skye. Why Skye?" Patrick looks over at me, away from the view.

"Lots of reasons. The first one being that Sydney always used to say... "Maybe we are made from the sky"... We also used to cloud watch together."

Flashback to the first time we cloud-watched.

"I really like the sky. Its so perfect, yet misshapen. Everything is placed in the right places, even though the clouds are like lumps of whipped cream." Sydney would point out.

"Id love to visit the sky one day." I say.

"Me too. Just look. The skys colour is truthful and soft. Each layer of cloud is like a layer of wrapping paper on the world."

She says it like they world is a present.

"Birds just... Swim through it."

She sits up and looks at me.

"When I die, I cant wait to live up there."

And I never noticed what she could mean.

"I like cloud watching." Patrick smiles supportively.

"The blues are so deep, you could swim through them. And the stars..."

"The stars are the skies map. Yet the map is fully coloured and animated."

"Maybe, we are made from the stars?"

"Maybe."

"Just dont focus on one star too long."

Theres a knocking on the window. Pete waves before returning to knocking vigorously.

Its like we got caught.

"He found us." Patrick smiles, caressing a roof tile.

"Shame."