What Ever It Takes (Emison Story)

Chapter 36

2003

As the days went on Emily fell more and more into depression. She tried to fight it and be strong for her family, but it was inescapable. She felt like a piece of herself was missing, a gaping whole inside her heart, reserved for her brother.

People on the outside wouldnt understand just how much Emily and Ashton meant to each other. They had been through hell in back together. For most of their lives, they could only depend on and trust one another. Emily was positive that Alison couldnt understand as well.

Emily was going through the five stages of grief. First there was denial, then there was anger. She felt as if she could have done more, but she knew deep down that, that wasnt true. Then there was Bargaining, and now depression. The brunette had finally allowed herself to grief for the first time in her life she was feeling all these emotions that she hid for so long, It was hard to deal with it all. It was overwhelming her.

So. She did what she does best. She turned them off.

It was the easy way out, it might not always have the greatest outcome, but it helped her now and thats all she cared about. See everyone saw her as the Emily Fields. Strong, fearful, unbreakable. But that wasnt her truth. Thats just what she made people believe. The real truth was that she was still that scared little girl, who was afraid to show emotion, in fear of the harsh consequences. That was her truth.

Alison could see how bad her wife was getting. She was quiet, not wanting to anyone. She would play with the kids if they asked, but that was about it. Even Arizona and Hunter came by, they tried to get her to talk but she didnt budge.

The blonde was scared. She was scared that she was slowly losing her wife, as the time went on. Alison had tried to get Emily to talk, tried to get her to get out of the house. But she wouldnt listen. The blonde even went out on a limb and tried to get her to go see a therapist, to which Emily glared at her and out right refused.

She knew that this was hard on Emily, the brunette had lost her rock. The person she had depended on through out her entire life. She knew that. But she also knew that Emily needed to stop feeling sorry for herself, and remember that she still had two kids and a wife.

Today was a bad day. Emily could feel that nagging feeling creeping up on her. The urge. It was like a bad rash that wouldnt go away, no matter how had she tried to fight it. The one thing she always went back to when in doubt, or going through hard times. It was back on her mind, like an old friend you hadnt seen in years suddenly pops up out of no where, asking to meet up again. Thats what it felt like. You really dont want to see them again, but the nagging in the back of your mind telling you to be nice is what urges you to do it.

Th devil on her left shoulder was telling her to do it, just give up. Ruin all her progress, just for the that feeling that will make you feel worse after rather then better. But the angle on her left shoulder was also voicing its opinion.

It she gave in, everyone would be disappointed in her. She would be a disappointment once again. But as time went on, and she wasnt feeling any better, the more she listen to the devil on her left shoulder. The urge got stronger. And the angle on her right shoulder slowly faded away.

***

"Em will you please watch the game with us tonight? The kids really want you too, they've been bugging me about it" Alison crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the door frame that leads into the bedroom.

Emily slowly sat up and faced the blonde "Sure" her voice was scratchy from sleep "I'll be down in a sec"

Alison gave her an 'Are you serious' type of look, to which Emily replied with an exaggerated nod. She then stood up straight ad walked out of the room.

Emily flung the covers off her lower half and swung her legs out of bed. She stood up and cracked her back, carful not to stretch her arm to much since it was still a little stiff. The brunette then walked over to her dresser and pulled out a hoddie and sweatpants. She glanced in the mirror and took a hard long look at herself.

She looked terrible, her eyes were red from not sleeping at night, because her nightmares were back, and the bags under her eyes were unbearable. She sadly sighed before wrapping her arms around herself to keep warm as she walked out of the room and down the stairs.

Her lips twitched into a barley there smile. Her kids were sitting on the ground like they usually do, while her wife was huddled up under a blanket on the couch, a hot coffee mug in hand. The blonde softly smiled as her eyes caught sight of Emily. She patted the spot next to her.

Emily agreed and walked around the couch, ruffling the twins hair just before sitting down.

"Mama you made it just in time! the game's about to start" Noah gushed his eyes lighting up as he turned back to the tv.

"Yeah mama, I think it's gonna be a good one tonight" Rowan added. She got up from her spot on the floor and climbed up onto the couch and crawled into Emily's lap, snuggling her head into her chest. Emily sighed in content and nd rested her chin atop the small girls head and wrapped her arms around her tiny body.

As the night went on, Emily was still quiet, but Alison was happy to at lest see her interacting with the kids. Even though she saw this as some type of improvement, the blonde still had a weird nagging feeling in the pit of he stomach telling her that this was just the beginning. And that it was about to get a lot worse.

***

The brunette was sent to pick up dinner by her wife. It was a Friday night and they decided to order in. Alison had thought it was a good idea for Emily to get out of the house, even if that meant for a twenty minute car ride.

She walked into the small restaurant and walked over to the pick up area. As she walked in she eyed the bar the whole time. Watching intensively as a man brought his beer bottle up to his lips and gulped a bug sip.

Suddenly the itch was back. It was as if the bar was calling her name. Taunting her. She swallowed hard and focused hard on not thinking about it. But it was no use. She fiddled with her hands, she then wiped them on her jean clothed thighs ridding the sweat on her palms.

Her heart beat quickened as she watched the man take another sip. Her release was right in fron of her, all she had to was walk a couple more feet and the pain would be gone. She would be able to forget about it. Thats all she wanted, and the solution was right in front of her.

"Order number five for Fields!" A worked called out, breaking her from her thoughts. Her head glanced back and forth between the bar and food. This was her last chance to make her decision. After seconds of thinking, she ignored the worker calling her name, and walked slowly towards the bar.

Emily took a seat next to the man who was sipping his beer, and waved over the bar tender. The young women smiled at her and walked over. "Hi! What can I get ya?"

Emily swallowed thickly "Yes...may I have a scotch?"

The girl nodded eagerly and began preparing her drink.

A million thoughts were running through Emily's mind, but she ignored them.

The girl handed her then drink, then went off to serve the next person.

Emily stared at the glass in front of her. Did she really want to do this again? Was it really worth it?

It was, she would be able to forgot, even if its just for tonight. She could forget.

The thought sounded like heaven. Something clicked in her mind, and suddenly she didnt care anymore. She picked the glass up and brought it to her lips.

"Fuck it"