An Outlet: Part 5

13 November, 2018.

I signed up for my minors today. My major is still Finance but we have an option to choose different minors this time. I'm taking one statistics class and one intercultural marketing one. The latter one because I love the faculty. She had taught us marketing last year and I absolutely loved her lectures. I like her as a person too so I knew that I had to take her class.

I have realised that in my college you have to take your classes based on who will teach that subject because there no point in learning an interesting subject from someone who is not going to be able to deliver. Having said that I think both my minors are interesting. Last semester I only had one physical minor while the other one was digital. So this time I'm going to have more classes every week.

Now let's see if with whatever combination I've chosen, do I get an equally divided week or not.

I sorted my innerwear today. Sounds like an unnecessary thing to do but I really need to have an idea of what I have and what I need to buy, if I need to buy anything.

I've been on YouTube for a loooong time now (as I viewer but yeah). As I have probably mentioned before, my tastes in videos have changed since I first started subscribing to people. Just to let my future self know what were the channels I subscribed to the age 19-20 age, let me write down my subscription list and when I think I first subscribed to them. Some I know for sure, some I don't:

1. Abby Asselin- around 7 months ago, definitely when she had around 23k subs. (69,427 subs)
2. Abby P- around 3 months ago (67,483 subs)
3. Amelia Basia- around 5 months ago (946 subs)
4. April Tandy- 7 months ago (19,111 subs)
5. Bangtan Subs- around 8 months ago (1,022,639 subs)
6. BANGTANTV- around 9 months ago (14,241,726 subs)
7. cari cakes- 8 months ago (70,847 subs)
8. ibighit- around 10 months ago (19,784,369 subs)
9. Katie Horan- 7 months ago (161,037 subs)
11. Lily Rakow- 3 weeks ago (10,459 subs)
12. Mr. Kate- over a year and 7 months ago (3,127,055 subs)
13. official IZ*ONE- 2 months ago (706,603 subs)
14.Sejal Kumar- over 2 years and 11 months ago (955,972 subs)
15. Sharmander- 7 months ago (440,628 subs)
16. The Financial Diet- over a year ago (591,008 subs)
17. xCeleste- around 3 months ago (126,274 subs)
18. honeykki- 2 weeks ago (1,550,398 subs)
19. sueddu- 3 days (151,832 subs)
20. JK's brother- 3 weeks ago (215,150 subs)

In the afternoon I saw a movie called Get Out. It was a little creepy. I also downloaded other movies (well, kept in stock for downloading whenever I get a fast running WiFi).

Let's talk about my (guilty) feelings and emotions that I've having ever since vacations started, shall we?

So whenever I had normal lectures, I would tell myself that I would have had time to do so and so had I had no lectures that day. And vacations are a perfect time for me to start doing things/ continue doing things because I have the whole day to myself.

I had plans this vacation as well but my motivation levels have gone down consistently with every passing day. I have started with absolutely nothing.

I had signed up to be a part of a research paper and I was very dedicated when I started it. This is one area where I can show something strong related to Finance on CV that might help me in my placements which will take place very soon. But I haven't worked on it at all. Even after knowing how important it is to my career.

Last year I had a goal to socialize so I did. This year it was something else so I've stopped interacting with people fully. I haven't responded to messages, I have been okay with just cancelling plans which was never the case before. I just don't feel like meeting anyone. I don't want to go out. Why?!

Coming back to my career. I am in my final year of college and will graduate in only a couple of months. My dad has continuously been asking me to have a post graduation plan in place and after researching for sometime, I have stopped that too. It's about my career for god's sake! How the hell can I not be serious about it?! What the hell am I going to do when I finally graduate?! I have already missed plenty of opportunities just because I am so confused in life!

People say that having a NGO work on your CV has become a must now. I did some work in the beginning of the year but I yet haven't got my certificate for it and by the looks of it, I'm never getting one. So I can't add that to my NGO work. I have done only one internship and it has nothing to with Finance. I want a Finance job but my CV doesn't reflect it. I was thinking of doing some NGO work this vacation but didn't end up doing it.

I have been noticing that I'm increasingly gaining weight now to a point that I actually can be considered as fat. Though I don't deny the fact that I'm on the heavier side, I have been wanting to reduce since forever. I have tried quite a few times to have a regular exercise schedule and to have a balanced diet but I would blame it on not having enough time for it. Now that vacations have come around, I can't use that excuse. I haven't exercised one bit for definitely over 3 months now. I was good with my skin care routine as well but that also seems to have died down. Even though I know how wonderfully the routine has worked for my skin. My attempts to correct my posture is also nowhere to be seen.

I feel terribly guilty for each of these things and I absolutely hate that feeling. I think feeling guilty is the worst feeling ever.

Now, coming to a cause of all this. Something that I've been avoiding even thinking about, let alone write it down for me to blatantly blame it for all I've been feeling. The realest talk.

Is KPop keeping me from living my own life?

I found BTS and eventually KPop and it instantly brightened my days and the way I did things. I have absolutely loved the content that I have seen from this industry and let me tell you I have A LOOOOOOT of their content.

But I guess I have become obsessed with it.... obsessed to a point where I am ignoring everything that's going on in my real life. I feel like I'm living in their lives instead of mine. I would prefer seeing their videos over meeting and talking to people. I would prefer that over anything else that's going on with me.

Having said that, it is impossible for me to shut KPop down completely. I just cannot do it. It's my happy place. This just means that I have to reduce the type of content that I watch so as to concentrate on more important decisions.