Early Stages

Paralyzed

When did I become so numb?

Just yesterday,
The world was my oyster
Just yesterday,
I was successful
But today?
It only seems
That all I've ever felt
Was nothing at all.

When did I lose myself?

How could I forget?
How could I lose something
That should be so important?
In the blink of an eye,
When I see myself,
The person I once knew best
I didn't know at all.

All the words that leave my tongue feel like they came from someone else

It all feels like a lie,
A simulation
Have I stolen someone's life?
Why does everything I do,
Feel,
Say,
Seem so untrue?
The words that roll of my tongue
The laughs that erupt from within me
Do they belong to me?

When did I become ashamed?

Why am I questioning?
Where's all of the assurances and pride
I once had for myself?
What happened to the joy
Of who I am?
That internal joy, that wanting to say
"I did this the way I am"?

Where's the person that I know?

I can't seem to find them.
Can you help me find myself
If you're not looking for yours?
Can you help me find the person
Who felt comfortable under their own skin
Who's pride ran deeper than their roots?
Who was carefree and certain?

Where are my feelings?

They've all become blurred.
Help me distinguish them.
Between guilt, sorrow, depression, fear,
Anxiety, pain, doubt, uncertainty,
Hatred, enzy, empty, numb—
Where'd the positive ones go?

Where's the real me?

I watch in the mirror...
And see someone who I don't know.
I see a stranger.
I see an imposter.
I see a shell that I've stolen
When I couldn't find where I came from.

I'm lost and it kills me inside.

And it was then I realised
That in the most crowded room,
You can feel alone.
That there's a meaning behind
Every silence.
That you can hurt
Without reason.

I'm scared to live but I'm scared to die

If only I could exist,
Interchangeably,
In those two realms.
If only I could switch
Between the realms of day and night
And find the place
Where my peace resides.

I feel nothing, I wonder why?

Can you offer me a reason?
I understand not.
Can you explain the complexities
Of feeling emotion?
What is true happiness?
What is love?
I don't think I had the privilege
To experience anything at all

I'm underwater but I feel like I'm on top of it

I feel like I'm drowning
While soaring high in the air.
I feel like the queen
Yet the most irrelevant.
I feel like people care
But maybe that's just pity.
I feel like maybe they just wished
They didn't know me.

I'm in a box but I'm the one who locked me in

I want to be free
But I trapped myself here.
There's too much space
For insanity to fill up.
I hurt myself more
Than anyone else could.
I want to be comforted
But don't come near.
Don't bother knocking
I won't open the door.
And why?

I'm paralyzed

~

This was written for a challenge. Using song lyrics, I made a poem. The song I chose to use is called paralyzed by NF.

What do you think? Have you ever personally felt what this poem has conveyed?

Until next time,
Ade Alethra