Early Stages

Danger

[1]

Do I know
Of what to do?
I pretend I do
When I've got no clue

You call this progress?
I've done nothing at all
It's as constant and monotone
As the metronome

I'm a spinning top
I will fall back down
And all that's been done
Would have to restart

One step forward
Is twenty plus back
I'm only accomplishing
In constant regression

I'm burning out
I'm in overdrive
My mind's malfunctioning
The circuits are fried

I'm exhausted
It's heavily draining
Yet through false hope
I keep going

Hours and hours
Days and nights
No amount of clicking
Can push me forward

The chicken scratch markings
Scribbled on the paper
It seems it's a one way ticket
For Nowhere to come

I've only got one bar
Remaining in my battery
And service isn't good
So no one can help me

Exhausted and drenched
On the verge of dropping down
I falsely hoped
That things were almost done

I try and try again
And think I'm succeeding
Only to realise
It was failure calling me

I put in my all
I was on autopilot
But automatic work
Wasn't good enough

The frustration is contagious
It's spreading though me
Crawling up my bones and consuming my heart
And clouding my thinking mechanism

Do I want this or do I hate this?
Can't even answer that simple question
I want to get rid of any evidence
That I had even tried

Why do I even try
I'm not a player of this game
I'm just an example
Of what you shouldn't be

I'm just here to mop the floors
Of those who have succeeded
And watch the polished floors
Reflect my misery

Who is this I see
When I look in the mirror?
Is this the person
Who I wanted to be?

The person who I am
And who I want to be
Can't seem to agree
On what's best for me

The flames of destruction
Are licking at my path
I'm in grave danger
If they continue along this track

I'm in serious need
Of self reconstruction
But I'll need to be rebuilt
They've already started demolition

Why do I encase myself
Within a web of lies?
Why do I weave myself
A web of empty promises?

My body disobeys me
As it fights harder
Entangling me in the vines
Of self confusion

I'm becoming more unstable
I've become more uncertain
A violent storm of emotions
Is churning in my water

I'm in danger of breaking
My individuality is endangered
The fear of losing it all
Seems to make me stronger

Maybe there was once hope
Maybe I was once getting better
But the pressure and stress and the self doubt
Didn't make it any better

I've already stained myself
In various colours and shades
Dull and violent and melodramatic
My story's inked into my skin

Maybe it's not too late for me
To pick up my broken pieces
To heal myself of the crippled state
That seemed to have no cure

Maybe when I open the curtains
I'll see the freedom of outdoors
Instead of the wilderness and the wall
That's determined to lock me down

I was in danger of extinction
There was the dangers of what I could do
And though I couldn't erase the past
I could look forward to something new

I may be burned and bruised
A dangerous wildfire may have caught me
But when I succeed, I'll tell my story
To save others from the beast of greed

[2]

Round and around
No progressing
I'm getting exhausted
I'm going nowhere

Should I continue?

I try once more
I'm getting frustrated
I've given up
I've gotten lost

My burden follows me
My burden is my only company
I promise myself lies
I'm warning you now, don't get me twisted

Yet I keep pushing onwards
My sins are engraved
I once couldn't see
Now the fire destroys me

~

The most destructive thing standing in our path is ourselves.

When we've started along with a certain path, things can often get confusing and difficult pretty quickly. Whether or not it is something that you love and show great interest with, whether or not it is something that you do well in, whether or not it is something that you're unsure about, there will be problems.

Things won't always be easy. Things won't always come as readily. And we all know that, despite all the encouragement you get, there are going to be people that will try to get you down or don't fully support your choices.

One of the hardest battles we'll have to fight on our paths is the battle of self. We will get frustrated. There are times where we will feel like giving up. There are times where we will feel crushed. There are times when we will wonder if we made the right choice; if the decision we made was the best one for our personality and made in our best interest.

Were we just being stubborn? Will I be able to do this? Will I survive this?

It can be quite a burden. The more you try and the more effort you put in, it seems to be going nowhere; it's all like one big and consistent loop that you can't get out of. You might start to take things and persons' comments more seriously than they ought to be taken. Maybe even look for hidden meanings that aren't really there.

It ultimately makes oned realise that: you are the biggest obstacle in your way and the most lethal danger to yourself. Whether it is accepting or believing in the negative things others tell you, whether it is the loss of will or motivation to continue, whether it is your own self-destruction, we are our biggest danger.

No matter how well someone knows or think they know us, ultimately, we're the ones that will know ourselves the best even if we barely know ourselves at all.

When we're in this situation, there are really only two options: we make it out or we don't.

Have you ever started having second thoughts about a decision that you either couldn't change or would be too complicated to change? Have you ever had your life seemingly come to a halt because of your inability to allow yourself to move forward? Are you in that position right now? Do you know anyone who is?

Until next time,
Ade Alethra