Early Stages

I Need U

I think I was blinded
By how you made me feel
To realise you didn't feel the same

The more obvious it got
The harder reality hit
A reality I still couldn't grip

It's like I never knew you
It's like you never saw me
As a person that you could trust

It's like you only came to me
Because you wanted company
Because you were scared to be lonely

It's really terrifies me
What I'd do for you
How you made me feel

It's like you cast a spell
And now without you
I'm a shell of my former self

The bruises I got
The pain that I feel
I got them because of you

If you weren't so selfish
And just said it was over
Maybe I won't be in pieces

I missed the times
Of smiles and light
But with you they never existed

It was just a mirage
A senseless dream
That we shared something; you and me

Now I've collapsed
Now I'm broken
And you left me there cold

You still continue
To break me
By refusing to let me go

I've grown so empty
Yet even more emotional
Unshed tears takes up the space

I may fail sometimes
But I try not to cry
And to show your effects on mine

I'm exhausted more
Than ever before
I don't know what to do

Relationships are work
But that's not as hard
As having to deal with you

I wish I could
Cleanse myself
Of the memories that we had made

I wish the blood
On my hands
Did not leave those stains

I can't bare myself
I don't like myself
But I hate you even more

Because of you
I hide myself
I don't even want to go on

I try to erase
These memories of you
To burn the evidence away

No matter what I do
I can't get away
You engraved your print in my brain

I hate to admit
I hate that it's true
I needed you so much

I hate you, (I love you)
Please exit my life
Please don't go, please.

I was drowned in you
Now I'm drowned in myself
The bathtub my watery bed

There's so many more
Better than you
So why am I still stuck here

Please tell me it's over
So I can get over
This toxicity this relationship brings

I wish I were engulfed
In a hot red flame
As strong as the emotions I feel

Please don't cry after
Or say that you love me
That would've saved me in the first place

I miss the freedom
I miss the wind
I miss the fun with my buds

When we lit the night sky
In an array of colours
Filled with laughter and elation

Now I don't feel
The way that I did
Before you came to me

It's like you had stripped me
Of all that was me
And reduced me to a purposeless body

I've resorted to the worst
I've resorted to horrible
Methods of coping with it all

I've become unstable
I've become dangerous
I've become someone who isn't me at all

I try to cure myself
Of what I don't have
With cures for other diseases

In hopes that if
It doesn't kill me first
Then maybe the 'cure' will kill me

The world continues forward
And I'm left behind
I'm not sure if I'll move forward

It's been a long time
Since I've been able to run
To even walk fast paced enough

I'm not alone
Though I am alone
I'm surrounded by those who want to help

But how can the help
When they haven't been cured
Of this same deadly disease?

I look at the grave
That has been caused by you
And dug by myself

My youth, my innocence
My dreams, my hopes
You killed me along with

I need you

I hate you

I love you....

I hate how much I love you.

~

Trapped in something much more harmaul than fake love...

I didn't intend any of my poems for this challenge to come out very long but I think there were about three (more or less) that didn't follow that rule and this was one of them.

It's hard being stuck in a relationship that is unhealthy for you; one that you can't seem to get out of. It's almost like an addiction; it's not good for you but you're dependent on it, whether or not you like it.

Maybe it was once your source of strength and happiness but now, it's not. Was it ever?

Have you ever had to deal with such a relationship? How did you get out of it? Was it hard for you?

Until next time,
Ade Alethra