Secret Mistake 2

79.

GIA POV

Delano has been acting weird lately. And on top of that he doesn't want to talk about what's bothering him. Granted we lost a baby we didn't even know about. But Delano might be taking this a little more than me. Which is odd on its own. Delano isn't the type to show his feelings. I guess you can say he tries to be the macho man. But I know I heard him cry at the hospital. He's never in the years I've known him to cry or even show sadness.

"Mom? Can we go. I'm going to be late for school" Ryan said. Grabbing his book bag we walked to the car. "You have everything right?".

He nodded "yeah I do". Starting up the car and making our way to drop him off. Luckily there was no traffic today. He wasn't late. When I dropped him off I was driving home. Hitting a red light I looked to my left and there was a woman pushing a stroller. It had one of those nets over it. A man... who I assumed was the child's father came up hugging her. He looked inside the stroller and smiled.

My mind went to that woman being me and the man being Delano. And that stroller had our baby inside. The daydream of seeing our baby took me. Hearing a faded horn woke me up. The car behind me was honking at me. Looking at the light it was green.

Pulling over I felt a panic attack coming over me. My heart was pounding. Felt like it was trying to come out of my chest. My head felt so light. Closing my eyes I was trying so hard to relax so this didn't get any worse. What the fuck? I haven't had a panic attack since being pregnant with Ryan. Once I felt like myself again I opened my eyes. Taking a deep breath and releasing it.

My phone was going off but instead it always comes on my Bluetooth. Pressing answer "hello".

"Could you stop and pick up waffles for Salem? She keeps repeating the word waffles" Delano said.

Clearing my throat "yeah I'll pick up". My voice was a little low. "Gia? Everything okay?" He asked.

I paused... "yup. Just had to catch my breath".

He didn't say anything.

"Anyway I'll be home in ten minutes" I pressed end call. Didn't want him hounding me about how I feel. I'm okay. Don't get why people when they know you're not mentally there that they want to constantly ask about how are you feeling.

Turning on the radio I needed noise. Adele came on and I sang along to someone like you. Singing to the top of my lungs. When I reached home I sat in the car. I know people say don't blame yourself for a miscarriage. But technically it was partially my fault. If I didn't follow up Bria with her bullshit. Our baby would still be here. Looking at the car keys in my hand. I was trying not to cry.

Thank god for tinted windows. I auto locked the doors. Laid on the steering wheel and just cried. Wiping my tears so it would be evident I was crying. I stayed in the car for another ten minutes so my face could not look so puffy.

Opening the front door... I held up the bag at Salem. Instead she looked at Delano. Which meant for him to come get the bag. He stared at me before grabbing the bag. He didn't say anything. I was happy he didn't question me.

I needed a shower. At least I can cry in there and no one will know. The hot beads of water hitting my skin felt so good. Loathing up the cloth I started washing myself. Once I got to my stomach that empty feeling came upon me.

As a mother I'm suppose to protect my children. But I failed to do that with this baby. I had one job and I failed at it. What if I can't have anymore babies? What if that was my last chance?. All these lingering questions were running through my head.

After spending longer than usual in the shower. I got dressed and went to pretend I was okay. Walking to our room I saw Delano helping Salem eat her waffles. He's such a good dad. Even though he could be an ass. For his children he'll do anything.

Hearing him make airplane noises as he fed her a waffle. She was loving it. Makes me wish I had a father like him. So attentive, affectionate and loving. Then the feeling of regret came over me. That baby would never know what such a good dad it would've had. Turning away I went to clean up.

Thinking I was fine. But in reality I just locked up my feelings in a vault in the back of my brain. I named it my trauma vault. There's so many thing I've locked away to protect myself. Some things I rather not remember. This miscarriage is one of them.

ANYTIME I WRITE GIA's POV AND ITS EMOTIONAL I INSTANTLY GET DEPRESSED.