Jenalyn: A Splitting Personality (#2) [Complete]

Chapter 57: Hayden

Thursday, 3:42 P.M.

"I'm not mad at you," Tyler says. He sits straight up now, trying to calm the anxiety attack I'd fallen into after admitting what I'd done, and what I risk ruining because of it. "I'm actually more surprised to find that this is the only time you guys have hooked up since we've been together! I was so sure it was happening the whole time!"  

He laughs, a nervous but sincere laugh, and hugs me gently. It's not right though... how could this possibly be his reaction?! I basically just cheated on him with his twin brother, and his response is that he thought it's been happening the whole time?!

It doesn't sit right with something inside of me. He should be mad! He should be borderline furious, threatening my life over it because I took his heart just to fucking break it!

"That's not right, Tyler!" I cry as something inside of me makes its way toward the front of my mind. "You need to be mad!"

Tyler laughs again, shaking his head as he does. He tells me once again that he isn't mad.

"You guys were close!" he says suddenly. "I'm sure it's got to be... weird. I recognize that! It's not like you're over here trying to make a habit out of it... shit happens. You obviously feel remorse over it- it's not like you're going do it again if you know it's wrong."

It's not right. His reaction just isn't... right. I can already feel Jena's monster stir inside of me, practically drooling at Ty's lack of anger toward what it'd done.

It's never had that kind of treatment before...

"Okay, but what if I do?!" I unintentionally snap as the realization occurs. The massive mix of thoughts and emotions are too much for my mind to handle. "What if I do it again, with someone besides Gage next time? What then?!"

Ty's face scrunches up in confusion for a moment as if he doesn't quite understand the question.

"What if you do it again?" he asks almost in disbelief. "What do you mean, if? If you don't want to do it again, don't do it again...?" 

I shake my head, trying to fight back the tears that all of these thoughts crowding my mind forcefully shove out of my eyes.

I didn't think this would be a problem out here... I was so sure I could leave Jena and her problems once I decided to dedicate my time to Hayden. I didn't think she'd be able to squeeze her way into Hayden's life, so I haven't even thought to mention to Ty that I had a.. 'problem.'

"It's really not that easy," I tell him as the thoughts pass my mind. "Remember this morning? When we were talking about... the East Coast boyfriend or whatever? I told you I fucked him up? Cheated? A lot?"

Ty nods, though his eyes narrow in skepticism. "That's not the same, Hayden. He beat you! Pimped you out! He didn't love you like I love you, and you didn't love him like you do me! A lot of people that are in shitty relationships cheat!" 

I'm shaking my head before he even finishes his sentence, more tears streaming down my cheeks as he tries to make more excuses for Jena. 

"That's wrong," I say as I wipe the tears from my cheeks. "He did those things because of what I did, Ty... and he loved me plenty- he still does!"

Ty's face scrunches up again, only this time like he'd been slapped. "And did you love him, Hayden?" he asks, his face returning to normal though the anticipated hurt shows in his voice now. "Do you love him?"

I'll always love Dane. But I know that isn't the answer Tyler needs to hear. That's not the area I need to be honest with him about right now. 

"I loved him," I say with a sigh after a moment. "I loved him, he loved me... and I cheated on him repeatedly. I.. have a problem." 

Ty is silent for a few seconds, his face showing that too many thoughts run through his head.

"A problem?" he asks, his tone flat. "What do you mean 'a problem?' What, like a sex addiction or something? Don't you think this is something we should've spoken about before? What kind of problem is it, Hayden?"

The frustration I've been anticipating since telling him what I'd done is finally apparent in his voice. I know I deserve it, I know I practically asked for it- but it doesn't stop the anxiety from forming in my chest. 

"I didn't know I was still going to struggle with it as Hayden." I practically whisper through my sobs. "It was Jena's sickness... and I'm supposed to be Hayden now! I'm not supposed to be doing this shit!" 

His eyes narrow at me as I watch him momentarily clench his jaw. "Hayden, you sound crazy," he states, his voice a little too loud not to be considered a yell. "You are Jena! Behind the Hayden mask is always going to be Jena! There's nothing wrong with that- but you're not going to sit here and pretend to be with me without letting me be with Jena, okay? So this type of shit IS NOT the shit we're keeping secrets!"

My whole body feels tense with anxiety. Ty has never been actually mad at me. And on top of that- he knows I'm crazy now, too.

Why hasn't he broken up with me yet? 

A few moments pass with Tyler pacing the room in frustration, and me still sitting on the bed, unsure of what to say. He's the one to break the silence though, his voice still frustrated though his eyes look worried. 

"So what do we do from here?" he asks, crossing his arms over his chest. "What do I do so that I don't have to lose you?"