Sanders Sides Oneshots and Short Stories

RLSWNP (part 1)

Not requested.

Ship(s): Platonic LAMP+DR

Category: Humor

Warning(s): None

Summary: In a rare occurrence, Roman and Remus team up on a creative pursuit with the same goal in mind-- to frustrate everyone in the Mindscape.

¶∆¶∆¶∆¶

It was never a good sign when Roman and Remus agreed on something.

They'd gathered all the various traits into the living room, where they were informed that they were about to hear the first of several jokes spread out over the week.

"This is stupid," Deceit told the brothers.

"For once, I agree," Virgil muttered.

"I think this is fun!" Patton exclaimed.

Logan just sighed a bit and resigned himself to his fate.

"For this joke, Roman will take the stage," Remus introduced, stepping back to let his brother stand before the other traits.

Roman smirked a bit and began his joke. "A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?' The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk.'"

"Does somebody die in this joke? Otherwise, it isn't funny," Deceit said.

Remus shushed him loudly. Roman continued, "The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk.'

The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?'

The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.'"

"That's stupid," Virgil said.

"Who would waste their time on that?" Logan agreed.

"The man sets about his task," Roman continued, talking over the bored traits. "Some years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, 'I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.'" He paused, eyeing the group. "Patton, if you would please remember this number."

"Sure!" Patton said.

"The monks reply, 'Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.'"

"I don't think that's how you become a monk," Logan said, frowning.

"Well, I don't think that shade of buzzkill is flattering on you," Roman shot back. Logan shoved up his glasses and scowled. "Anyway. The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, 'The sound is right behind that door.'

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, 'May I have the key?'

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone."

"Two doors? Why?" Logan asked. "I think one door is sufficient."

"You're ruining my suspense building," Roman lamented.

"Just get on with it," Virgil groaned.

"Right, right." Roman cleared his throat. "The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire."

Roman continued to list how each door opened to find another door behind it, made of a different material every time, until he'd reached more ridiculous materials, like sugarcane and feathers. Everyone was waiting patiently for him to get to the punchline.

"Finally, the monks say, 'This is the last key to the last door.' The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached the end. He unlocks the door, and behind it he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound." A smug, wicked grin found its way onto Roman's face. "But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk."

Silence.

Deceit turned a very dark shade of red, Virgil clenched his teeth so hard he could see stars, and Logan let out a hefty sigh.

"What was the point of remembering the numbers?" Patton asked, confused.

"It was just to make sure you were listening," Roman replied, smirking.

"That was the whole joke," Deceit said flatly.

Roman hummed his assent. He swept into a comedic bow, which Remus mirrored.

"Be sure to be back for the next joke tomorrow!" Roman called after Patton, who shook his head with an exasperated laugh as he left.

"Thirty minutes of my life wasted," Deceit complained, while Virgil dragged him out of the room.

"You're both idiots," Logan told the brothers.

They gave him twin Cheshire grins.

¶∆¶∆¶∆¶