Sanders Sides Oneshots and Short Stories

RLSWNP (part 4)

Not requested.

Ship(s): LAMP+DR

Category: Humor

Warning(s): None

Summary: In a rare occurrence, Roman and Remus team up on a creative pursuit with the same goal in mind-- to frustrate everyone in the Mindscape.

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"Please," Virgil begged, "no more."

"More!" Remus exclaimed. "Once upon a time there was a little boy. This little boy was born with a strange condition. You see, this little boy was born without a body. He had no arms, no legs, and no torso. He was just a head."

Deceit gagged. Logan covered his mouth.

"Because he was still a little boy head, he had little boy desires and his parents couldn't bear to see him in his room, just sitting there lonely, nothing to do. So his parents glued his head to a piece of 2x4 board so it would stay upright. They decided to set the little boy's head onto his window sill in his room during the day so he could watch all the other boys across the street play catch in the field. At least then, he could imagine being a regular boy and playing ball outside with other regular boys."

"This is terrible," Patton said, horrified.

Remus chuckled. "So every day, he watched the other kids play catch, and every night he went to bed he wished really hard to be a normal boy with arms, legs and a torso so he could go across the street and play with the other kids. He was so lonely. All he could do was roll around in his room, because he was nothing but a head.

One particular night, the little boy head had enough. He was becoming depressed, anxious, and he could not hold out any longer. He couldn't do it. This was no life for a little boy, being glued to a board and spending his days gazing longingly out a window where just across the street was a life he knew he'd never have.

It was just about time for his parents to come and carry him into bed. The sun was dipping below the horizon as he watched all the other boys laugh and fake punch each other as they left the field to go home on their regular legs to their regular lives.

It was then that the little boy saw it. A shooting star."

"That's just a myth," Logan pointed out.

"Thank you for the observation, Captain Obvious," Deceit said dryly.

"Quickly, he wished, wished, and wished really hard," Remus continued. "This was his last chance, because if this didn't work, he might become depressed forever and watch television for the rest of his days. He wished for the biggest wish of all, that he might become a regular little boy with regular arms and regular legs so he could go play with the other regular boys. After some time of wishing very hard, he fell asleep on the window sill. His mother came and tucked him in as he slumbered.

The next morning, blanket up to his chin, he awoke to the sound of cheerful birds singing and rays of sunlight peeking through his curtains drawing shapes on his bedroom wall. He could hear the regular boys playing across the street, laughing and joking gleefully.

Still groggy from sleep, he felt something. Something under the covers. Looking down, it was as though someone put pillows down there. But he was the pillows? He could move? He had a body? He threw the covers off to discover a full body!"

Remus brandished his arms wildly, demonstrating his point.

"He jumped out of his bed and darted through the bedroom door, and all the way out the front door before his parents had even had a chance to respond to all the noise. Across the lawn he ran, fast as any regular boy he'd ever seen. This was amazing! He was a regular boy!

He reached the pavement of the street separating his yard from the field where the boys were playing ball. In a sheer moment of triumph, the new regular boy reached the center of the street, gaining speed, and all the other regular boys turned their heads toward him...

Their surprise gave way to horror as the blare of the horn of an 18-wheeler preceded the sickening "thwack" sound as the full weight of that vehicle slammed into the kid at a full 55 miles per hour, completely obliterating him."

When it got to this part, Remus smashed his hands together with a sickeningly realistic crunching noise, and blood dripped from his hands like he'd actually demolished a tiny kid. Patton squeaked. Deceit exhaled heavily.

"It was all slow motion, but it happened so fast. And if that kid had any shoes on him, they'd have been knocked clear to Kansas.

That little boy's family buried him two days later. All the regular boys attended. It was a solemn occasion, but they remembered the headstone the most. The headstone said: 'QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD'."

There was a moment of silence as everyone processed the joke.

The first person to get it was Logan, who rolled his eyes. The second was Virgil, who buried his head in the nearest pillow and screamed. Deceit shoved his bowler hat over his face. Patton laughed and clapped in appreciation of the joke.

"Definitely don't miss tomorrow," Roman advised them, casting Remus a mischievous look. "It's the big one."

"You're fucking psychotic," Virgil told them.

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