Saturday 7:34pm
"Yoongs you okay lately you just been out of it, wanna talk about some things?" the look I gave joon was a desperate cry for help but I deny his offer. I have to.
Look I want people in my life but every time I spill to someone they never listen to me. Ever. They seem to just nod and shrug off my thoughts and flip the script on them, even the nice ones.
No one listens to me except for me, when I do feel like they listen to me I see them do something without me and I feel worthless again. I lie to everyone saying it's fine you didn't have to invite me over to go hang at that new bar even though I hate bars and drinking but hey don't worry about it ,right?
I feel like if I say how I really feel people are gonna laugh, judge, just all around not give two fucks and I can't handle that on me. I don't think no one can.
"I'm good" I mutter looking at him giving him a very closed off smile, it wasn't even a smile my lips just formed a thin line. "You sure yoongs" no I'm not joon, I'm never sure and I never will be.
I haven't been good in 26 years joon, are you gonna fix 26 fucking years no your not so shut your happy ass mouth. I don't mean to be all angry and shit it's just I can't handle your kindness.
"Just worry about yourself" is not what I wanted to say but I did. The look on his face made me feel so bad I didn't mean it to come out like that. "Sorry, I'll be back I'm gonna get us some coffee" he say quietly leaving the room.
Once he leaves the room I let my head fall onto the desk, I'm not okay.
9:03pm
"Hey yoongs I'm gonna go get some food want a bite" fucking finally someone invited me somewhere. "Sure" I mutter putting my coat on.
I should have said no. I'm surrounded by empty seats and that's to be literal, even in a room full of people I feel the loneliest man alive. Everyone is laughing and smiling and I want to so bad but I physically can't not when I'm feeling like crap.
I just pick at my sleeve keeping my distant from every single conversation. "Yoongs you gonna eat" Joon ask happily with his mouth full, I haven't ate in days only been halfassing my meals.
"Not hungry" I say in a tone that made everyone at the table look at me, I'm getting way to uncomfortable like if I stay here any longer I'm gonna burst. "Thanks for the bite joon" I mutter getting out the seat busting through the door.
"Is he okay?" Jimin ask Namjoon who is a good friend to the man, "yeah he's always like that" Namjoon shrugged. "That's not normal joon he look kind of sad you should talk to him" Jin say still watching Namjoon pick around his food.
"I try to but he pushes me away all I can do is be there he'll talk to me one day until then I gotta give him his space" Namjoon states feeling like maybe he should leave out with Yoongi, only to leave this crowded atmosphere.
I hate space, don't give me my space I want everyone around me. Don't ever give me any space, if I ask for space then I must be angry or actually just want to be alone which is rare.
I flopped on my couch digging my hand through my chip bag not even tasting the salty chips just stuffing them in my mouth. I don't even feel like eating when all I can think about how this apartment is probably my bestfriend and it doesn't even speak back to me.
