2:03pm
His smile grows even more as he looks at Hoseok, "sure want anything to drink" before I can even answer Hoseok saids yes on behalf on us. Its almost like he can sense when I need a little help he always comes in and saves me.
"You okay?" Hoseok questions looking at me, "I'm not a baby" I tell him rolling my eyes playfully which I never understood; how can you playfully roll your eyes. "Just checking you big baby" he say with a smile I look at him nudging him smiling also.
Jungkook comes back with cups and a small bowl of snacks, "hope it's not too early for drinking" he say glancing at us smiling. "Never too early for this" Hoseok say taking the small glass out his hand, Jungkook glances at me and I nod showing that I was interested in some drinking.
3:08pm
Jungkook and Hoseok did most of the talking, the typical catching up since it's been some weeks since they last seen each other. At some point I thought of me and joon I haven't seen him since the hospital, he texted me but digital words never express how you really feel.
Can't help but feel like such a bad friend at one point it was me, my wall, and joon despite me being such a total depressing asshole I was there. Now my time consist of Hoseok and therapy leaving me to respond so shakey whenever joon texts me. I miss the iced black coffee, and the cheery voice, his voice when he explained some songs he recorded even when I spaced out from the heavy weight from crying in cold showers.
Is it wrong I miss those times, my cold four hour showers and my horrible mornings but in the mist I had joon. Who I ignored on countless occasions but he still contacted me, and brought me food, told me all his problems even when I replied with 'nothing wrong with me' I feel so fucked up.
"Yoongi" Hoseok voice brings me back in, looking over at him only to see that Jungkook and him were both staring like there waiting for a response. "You okay" Hoseok ask giving my hand a squeeze, I just nod giving off a closed off smile. Actually I'm not fine I feel horrible I want to make it up to joon but I feel like we just keep growing distant.
We are not growing distant it's just I'm a horrible friend who only thinks about himself. Joon is like me in some ways his life wasn't that great either but he still made room for other things. Maybe my life isn't that bad compared to his, what if joon wants my life instead.
"Hey Yoongi, are you sure you okay" Jungkook ask me, the glint in his eyes made me think of joon. A couple days before I first attempted my Suicide he had asked me if I was okay, I told him 'sure' because that was always my asshole response. I wanted to say no but I let my fear get in my way.
"Just thinking" I respond realizing I'm thinking way too much in my head, "about? If you don't mind me asking" Jungkook is sweet very sweet. I remember when I questioned why people are so nice, why can't I be like them? A kind person.
"My friend—he's good to me and I just feel as if I'm not good to him" I find the courage to say and Jungkook hums was if he understands my feeling. No way he could possibly understand me no one can, my pain is different. "I feel you, my accident happened long ago but I still get these—feelings like I'm not good enough especially to hobi hyung" he explains rubbing his fingertips around the ring of his cup.
"Hobi hyung was more then good but I continued to not tell him anything until things became too unbearable for me—I didn't think he would want to be my friend anymore because of how much I ignored him" I glance at Hoseok seeing that he was already staring at me before looking away. Hoseok is always the other person for everyone problems, not saying Jungkook is a problem or anyone in general it's just he's always the shield.
"The day I was checked into the 90 day home I almost freaked but still didn't say a word to Hobi hyung until I got out of the placement home, I felt horrible as if that home didn't work but once I got everything off my chest I felt better—my day's are way better because of him" him as in Hoseok yeah I understand that part Jungkook.
"Not saying you should bottle in everything your friend should know about everything—talking to him can help the fear that's holding you back, its only making you weaker and I hate to sound so clique but I mean it Yoongi" his words are kind and soft. They hit a place that sticks to me and gives me this hope that things will get better for me.
Slowly sipping the rest of my drink, two cups in its been so long since I drank. I bite my lip and soon we all pick a conversation again.
