3:44pm
There's something that makes me uneasy about family outings, I don't like being surrounded by people who actually don't care about my well being. Never having the courage to say something because they are my family but they make me feel so vulnerably sad wanting to consume myself in a closet.
Sitting off at the couch as everyone makes plates and start to enjoy one another, I'm not on my phone because for some reason I been ignoring Hoseok messages. The cuts are starting to tingle, I distant myself a little because I'm a fuck up.
Let's start off to the beginning of the week; me and namjoon got into a bad argument because I got overwhelmed with his friends and strangers at this weird bar. I complained how he isn't truly my friend since he knows I don't like places like that and he argued back how I needed to atleast experience some type of human interaction. He apologized but I ignored him and told him to fuck off I hate it I truly do, joon is really trying his hardest with me and all I do is push him away.
Hoseok has been busy with work so I don't see him like I want to, it lead to me just leaving unexpectedly two days ago. He was kind of pissed that I contacted him after I was already at my mother place of course my stupid ass took it another way. I told him he doesn't own me and I can go wherever and that he shouldn't worry too much about me and worry about hisself.
I just keep feeling lonely, the more I get angry the more my cuts tingle. My mother doesn't look her true self it's like everyone has been hiding something from me. Jae hasn't really talked to me since our coffee shop incident, I just have this feeling that everyone is turning against me.
After an hour or so Hoseok stop texting me which made me feel kind of empty, there is no hope for joon he probably hates me and wants nothing to do with me. My siblings hate me because I'm not being honest, apparently jae has been telling others my business and how I'm being selfish. How I'm hiding away from them because I hate them, he's lying to everyone all because I'm sad.
When I came back home my mother was kind of being extra sweet to me but still stand of ish towards me. I just take a good look at everyone and notice how they are whispering and just staring at me until I look there way. Hiccuping quietly I fiddle with my sleeve hoping I'm not causing a big scene just for being quiet.
"Yoongi go eat" my mother calls from the kitchen and everyone looks at me, hesitantly I stand up shuffling past everyone. She smiles at me and passed me an empty plate, it's my grandmother birthday so everyone is over even my father.
My cheeks dusted with emotion as I quietly make my plate with my hands shaking like crazy. "Hurry up yoon everyone waiting on you" jae calls teasingly and I nod fast repeating a sorry. Getting just enough on my plate I head to the table sitting with everyone waiting for someone to say a prayer and then we can began to eat.
Everyone all chatty and for some strange reason my father keeps looking over at me weirdly. "So Yoongi how have you been" father ask swallowing his last bit of rice, choking slightly I look over at him. "Been fine few rough patches" I mutter and continue to not look at him, jae looks up at me and I turn away continuing to eat again.
"Still doing that music crap" he blurts to me and I sigh "dad" jae speaks loudly and everyone looks at the three of us. Pushing my chair out I leave the dinner room heading outside, kicking some rocks out of anger. "Yoongi" ignoring that voice keeping my head on mission to keep walking.
"Yoongi!!" He grabs my shoulder turning me around, "Yoongi what's going on man" jae ask clearly fed up. I bit my lip of course my lips are cherry red it's freezing outside, of course my eyes are red with dark circles because I haven't been able to sleep in days, of course my lip trembles because I'm feeling so hopeless and alone like I have fallen so much deeper in my hole. "I can't do this jae I can't be in there no one in there cares about me" I cry to him which makes me ache, two puddles stream down my cheeks.
"Yoongi what the hell man everyone cares about you if this is about dad he didn't mean anything in a wrong way he knows about the situation he's worried about you" jae words turned into slurs for me. I look at him with balled up fist, so tell everyone how I tried to kill my self nice going.
